Tuesday, November 29, 2011
My heart's burning...and not with love.
I realized something last night that makes so much sense to me but it didn't dawn on me until yesterday! First of all, I suffer from heartburn that isn't extremely severe but it is pretty uncomfortable. It usually is tolerable but within the past few months I have been getting it nearly everyday after anything I eat (it used to be just acidic things) and has gotten to the point where it really hurts and sometimes keeps me awake at night. No matter when the meal is, I always get it. Usually I am busy during the day so I don't notice it as much but in the evening when I am relaxing it is like my chest is on fire. Now usually I get this right after I eat. It dawned on me that the reason I eat a meal and then feel "hungry" barely an hour later is not because it is really "hunger" but because it's heartburn. All this time I think I have been confusing hunger with heartburn. Naturally when you feel hungry you want to eat something, so that's why I also feel like I can eat still after I eat dinner. I also believe I am subconciously trying to find some food that will "settle my stomach" and make the heartburn pain go away, and usually I keep eating and eating until it subsides or I just get reallllly full, but then end up taking Tums. I swear to God I feel like I stumbled upon a jackpot of my inner mind or something! IDK if this even is logical or makes sense (it does to me lol!) Do any of you suffer from heartburn and if so what do you take to make it go away? Also I know it can be from being overweight/eating certain foods, but do you think I should tell my doctor I have it? It never has been much of a problem until recently so I never mentioned it.
Monday, November 21, 2011
What an Interesting 2nd Visit!
Ughhh so I went to my followup appointment today and left feeling semi-disapointed and a little ticked. First off, I ended up gaining 6 lbs in a month, which I expected some weight gain, but didn't realize it would be that significant. I can't believe how quickly I gain weight! I know I snack too frequently but it's not like I am eating Big Macs everyday and drinking gallons of soda. I actually eat relatively healthy, just always feel hungry and I eat too much. I am 10 lbs away from my highest weight ever (266) and feel like I really let myself down. I worked so hard to shed 35 lbs and now I gained 25 of them back in a year. I need to get on the exercise ASAP before I hit that high weight again. It scares me to go back to that place. I can tell too in my clothes they feel tighter. This month has been bad as far as eating out just because of how many events there were and I have eaten out way too many times per week and not the healthiest of foods, so it's no shocker my weight was up.
So this is not really the main reason I left my appointment feeling a little miffed. I will just start with the whole story I think to make sense of it. This time I had an actual nurse, and not an "assistant" and this nurse was super nice and knew what she was doing. That made me feel a little better. But then she told me my doctor had a female med student and wanted to know if it would be okay if she observed/talked to me. I always hate being put on the spot like that. I know they have to learn and I am not a difficult patient, so the nice side of me says sure go for it. But the selfish part of me says learn on someone else and let me get my care from a real doctor and move on with my life. Good won out over evil today though (which will NEVER happen again after this lady!) and I said I would be okay with the med student observing. So she came in and was older than I expected, very nice and friendly initially. I told her about the month I had and how I ate poorly and didn't exercise and obviously it reflected in my weight gain. Then I got to telling her about my interest in WLS and it was like a wholeeee different person. She got "THAT LOOK" on her face where she's judging and not being discrete about it either. She first made the comment that "I am only 23" so I should be able to lose the weight on my own without surgery and should have the energy at my age because I am young, and it only gets worse as you age. She then mentioned something about "copping out" and I just tuned out. I was pisseddd! I am sorry but there are 80 year olds in much better shape than me with higher energy levels! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SURGERY LADY! I want to get to that point! When did age ever play a role in how much energy you have or how in shape you are? Hell the majority of my blog readers are significantly older than me and in much better shape because of the surgery! She needs some more freaking practice and a different viewpoint on WLS. As a medical professional I think you should keep your damn opinions out of your medical evaluation of a person. I will throw in the final comment she made before I forget that I was kind of just like reallllyyy..c'mon now. So after the actual doctor and I had finished talking, she mentions to me she had gained 40 lbs during her residency so she knows how hard weight loss is. Then the med student goes..."Ohhh I gained 5 lbs since July, I know too, it's SO difficult." I even said out loud, "Are you kidding me?" Like she knows I gained 6 lbs in a month and she makes a comment like that..give me a break. Idk if I am being too sensitive or just have negative veil because of the whole experience, but I felt like that was insincere and not an appropriate time for her to comment.
So after that whole experience and then the meeting with my doctor, which I will describe shortly, I am thinking of going to a different doctor. This is now the second time there's been issues and I am getting sick of it. Medicine is a service. You pay a premium to go see these people and then their service ends up sucking, and I leave feeling upset. Not worth my money!
So the meeting with the actual doctor was what really bummed me out. As I wrote in an earlier blog I met with this doctor last month to establish myself as a new patient and get an actual regular doctor, since I didn't have one. She was really nice when I first met her and I felt like I connected with her well. She seemed supportive of my decision to have surgery and all was well with the world. I don't know if she was tired or what today, but I just got bad vibes from her and felt really uncomfortable talking to her. I don't like that feeling at all. I want a doctor I feel like I can trust and who will give me the best medical advice for ME, not just a run-of-the-mill, cookie cutter version. I first explained why I gained weight since I last saw her and I think she understood that. I reminded her of my reasons for coming in to see her (to fulfill requirement for surgery) and that I struggle with controlling my hunger. She then gave me "advice" to lose weight for next month. She told me I should eat under 1,300 calories a day from now on. Scuse' me?! In the other program I was in the doctor told me to eat 1,800-2,000 and I was still hungry...1,300 calories, I would be passing the fuck out! I understand that is a lot after surgery but I didn't have the surgery yet, and there is nothing controlling my hunger. I would overeat if I ate that amount because I would be so hungry at the end of the day. There's no way I am doing that without a hunger control tool. She then spent 20 minutes it seemed like trying to get me to elect not to have surgery, and I realized she wasn't as supportive as I thought she was. She also just seemed not very empathetic to me. So I left and made another appointment, but after thinking and writing about it I think I want to try a different doctor. I didn't realize it would be so difficult to find one who is supportive of this. It's kind of discouraging. It's like society doesn't like you when you're fat, you choose to have a surgery that can help change that, and everyone fights you tooth and nail to NOT have the surgery. WTH?! Just leave me alone lol. Ugh.
So this is not really the main reason I left my appointment feeling a little miffed. I will just start with the whole story I think to make sense of it. This time I had an actual nurse, and not an "assistant" and this nurse was super nice and knew what she was doing. That made me feel a little better. But then she told me my doctor had a female med student and wanted to know if it would be okay if she observed/talked to me. I always hate being put on the spot like that. I know they have to learn and I am not a difficult patient, so the nice side of me says sure go for it. But the selfish part of me says learn on someone else and let me get my care from a real doctor and move on with my life. Good won out over evil today though (which will NEVER happen again after this lady!) and I said I would be okay with the med student observing. So she came in and was older than I expected, very nice and friendly initially. I told her about the month I had and how I ate poorly and didn't exercise and obviously it reflected in my weight gain. Then I got to telling her about my interest in WLS and it was like a wholeeee different person. She got "THAT LOOK" on her face where she's judging and not being discrete about it either. She first made the comment that "I am only 23" so I should be able to lose the weight on my own without surgery and should have the energy at my age because I am young, and it only gets worse as you age. She then mentioned something about "copping out" and I just tuned out. I was pisseddd! I am sorry but there are 80 year olds in much better shape than me with higher energy levels! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SURGERY LADY! I want to get to that point! When did age ever play a role in how much energy you have or how in shape you are? Hell the majority of my blog readers are significantly older than me and in much better shape because of the surgery! She needs some more freaking practice and a different viewpoint on WLS. As a medical professional I think you should keep your damn opinions out of your medical evaluation of a person. I will throw in the final comment she made before I forget that I was kind of just like reallllyyy..c'mon now. So after the actual doctor and I had finished talking, she mentions to me she had gained 40 lbs during her residency so she knows how hard weight loss is. Then the med student goes..."Ohhh I gained 5 lbs since July, I know too, it's SO difficult." I even said out loud, "Are you kidding me?" Like she knows I gained 6 lbs in a month and she makes a comment like that..give me a break. Idk if I am being too sensitive or just have negative veil because of the whole experience, but I felt like that was insincere and not an appropriate time for her to comment.
So after that whole experience and then the meeting with my doctor, which I will describe shortly, I am thinking of going to a different doctor. This is now the second time there's been issues and I am getting sick of it. Medicine is a service. You pay a premium to go see these people and then their service ends up sucking, and I leave feeling upset. Not worth my money!
So the meeting with the actual doctor was what really bummed me out. As I wrote in an earlier blog I met with this doctor last month to establish myself as a new patient and get an actual regular doctor, since I didn't have one. She was really nice when I first met her and I felt like I connected with her well. She seemed supportive of my decision to have surgery and all was well with the world. I don't know if she was tired or what today, but I just got bad vibes from her and felt really uncomfortable talking to her. I don't like that feeling at all. I want a doctor I feel like I can trust and who will give me the best medical advice for ME, not just a run-of-the-mill, cookie cutter version. I first explained why I gained weight since I last saw her and I think she understood that. I reminded her of my reasons for coming in to see her (to fulfill requirement for surgery) and that I struggle with controlling my hunger. She then gave me "advice" to lose weight for next month. She told me I should eat under 1,300 calories a day from now on. Scuse' me?! In the other program I was in the doctor told me to eat 1,800-2,000 and I was still hungry...1,300 calories, I would be passing the fuck out! I understand that is a lot after surgery but I didn't have the surgery yet, and there is nothing controlling my hunger. I would overeat if I ate that amount because I would be so hungry at the end of the day. There's no way I am doing that without a hunger control tool. She then spent 20 minutes it seemed like trying to get me to elect not to have surgery, and I realized she wasn't as supportive as I thought she was. She also just seemed not very empathetic to me. So I left and made another appointment, but after thinking and writing about it I think I want to try a different doctor. I didn't realize it would be so difficult to find one who is supportive of this. It's kind of discouraging. It's like society doesn't like you when you're fat, you choose to have a surgery that can help change that, and everyone fights you tooth and nail to NOT have the surgery. WTH?! Just leave me alone lol. Ugh.
2nd Supervised Diet Visit Today
I have my 2nd (and last!) appointment for the year today with my doctor to fulfill the 6-mo supervised diet requirement for WLS. I am going to try to get in shortly after Jan 1 for the third appointment so the cost will count toward my insurance deductible for next year, because it's nearly $400 for the lady to weigh me, take my BP, and talk for 5 minutes..what a joke! The first appointment I had was covered by my insurance, but today's I will have to pay for out-of-pocket essentially, and it just makes me a little sad because I think of how much $400 would go toward as far as new puppy items...but what can you do! I know it won't be a very good appointment either because I know I gained weight...idk how much but I am guessing 3-5 lbs. I have not been eating healthy at all. It seems like I've been going out for lunch/dinner almost everyday because of all the things going on with school and friends, and I've also been snacking a ton in between meals. I was logging my food for awhile but lost the notebook (oops!) so my Dr. will not be too pleased to hear that. At this point though, I honestly don't care. It sounds bad but I know what I need to do to lose weight. Someone telling me what I need to do does nothing for me..I am intelligent enough to know if you eat a lot of food and don't exercise, you're going to gain weight. I am making poor choices conscientiously so if I gain weight it won't be a real shocker to me, so I hope I don't get the lecture from her. All I want is to just satisfy the requirement and get a letter from her and move on.
What I do need to work on is my willpower. A lot of people discuss head hunger, and emotional eating, and in the last WL program I was in there was a whole behavioral component of the program for which I had to attend a bunch of meetings and listen to others try to get to the root of their eating issues and basically play games with themselves. I mean what I am about to say in the least offensive way possible...I think it's a complete joke. Let's face it...unless you are lying to yourself (which some of the people in my group did) you KNOW why you're eating a certain way. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Maybe you need one or two sessions to get to the root of the issue (unless there's something real deep and serious going on) but I don't think it needs to be an ongoing weekly event where you are trying to identify what makes you eat a whole bag of chocolate or an entire pie in one sitting. What would be beneficial is solutions to deal with that or ways to increase your self-control/willpower. For example, I know I overeat for a variety of reasons--stress, boredom, tiredness, happiness, rewards, etc. You list an emotion and I will find a reason to eat for it. And I don't really feel much guilt. I think "well probably shouldn't be eating this," but I do anyway. So how do I stop? How to I tell myself, "self..don't eat that extra piece of candy!" The answer: Will power. So how do I increase my will power? Is it learned, is it like a habit? Why don't psychologists address this?! This to me is so much more important than having me do worksheet after worksheet that tells me to "Check this box if you eat when you are sad." NO SHIT SHERLOCK, tell me something I don't already know! I guess this is the biggest thing I am worried about when I have WLS. I am able to identify reasons for eating, but how do I stop? What changes in your brain that makes you stop? Does anything change, or will it still be a constant lifelong struggle against myself to fight against what my mind tells me?
What I do need to work on is my willpower. A lot of people discuss head hunger, and emotional eating, and in the last WL program I was in there was a whole behavioral component of the program for which I had to attend a bunch of meetings and listen to others try to get to the root of their eating issues and basically play games with themselves. I mean what I am about to say in the least offensive way possible...I think it's a complete joke. Let's face it...unless you are lying to yourself (which some of the people in my group did) you KNOW why you're eating a certain way. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Maybe you need one or two sessions to get to the root of the issue (unless there's something real deep and serious going on) but I don't think it needs to be an ongoing weekly event where you are trying to identify what makes you eat a whole bag of chocolate or an entire pie in one sitting. What would be beneficial is solutions to deal with that or ways to increase your self-control/willpower. For example, I know I overeat for a variety of reasons--stress, boredom, tiredness, happiness, rewards, etc. You list an emotion and I will find a reason to eat for it. And I don't really feel much guilt. I think "well probably shouldn't be eating this," but I do anyway. So how do I stop? How to I tell myself, "self..don't eat that extra piece of candy!" The answer: Will power. So how do I increase my will power? Is it learned, is it like a habit? Why don't psychologists address this?! This to me is so much more important than having me do worksheet after worksheet that tells me to "Check this box if you eat when you are sad." NO SHIT SHERLOCK, tell me something I don't already know! I guess this is the biggest thing I am worried about when I have WLS. I am able to identify reasons for eating, but how do I stop? What changes in your brain that makes you stop? Does anything change, or will it still be a constant lifelong struggle against myself to fight against what my mind tells me?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Feeling Stronger!
I am feeling a lot better today about the whole surgery decision. I am still scared, but I feel more sure of my decision to have gastric bypass. I freaked myself out last night, but had the evening to sleep on it and was literally thinking about it the entire day today and talking it over to myself (yeah I am a dork!) People much more unhealthy than me go into the surgery and come out just fine, and live their lives happy and healthy. Yes there are complications, very serious ones, and you risk your life anytime you go on the operating table, but the payoff if everything goes well is you get your life back. I realized I AM willing to take on the risks, the pain, and the lifestyle change afterwards to lose weight and be healthy. My health is the most important thing to me. Without it I won't be able to do ANYTHING. I need to take charge now before I cause more damage to my body and potentially get other complications from being overweight, before it's too late. It's not a matter of when I will get diabetes or have a heart attack, but when. I don't want to live like this anymore. I am sick of being fat, uncomfortable, looked down upon, and overall unable to fully enjoy my life. I want food to stop controlling my life and be a fuel for my body rather than an emotional blanket. I know it is initially going to suck, but I am ready to sacrifice a few months of being uncomfortable for a lifetime of feeling better about myself and most importantly being healthy. I have decided, and I am committing to this. Now I am going to learn and read as much as I can, talk to as many people as possible, and move forward with my decision. I will keep you all posted every step of the way :) Thank you for all your support, encouragement, and advice..don't know what I would do without it!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Freaked Out..
I thought I had made up my mind about having gastric bypass, but it seems like every blog I read, those who have had it have major complications/issues, and it is freaking me out and making me question my decision. What people describe just sounds like pure torture, and now I am like is this worth it?? Is it worth risking my life that much? I don't know. I am young and have no current health problems. Am on no medications. What if I have this surgery and it helps me lose weight but in return am faced with these health complications as a result of having surgery. It scares me so much. I feel like you really have to ask yourself, am I willing to risk my life to lose weight? I know if I do nothing right now I will keep gaining weight and will have health issues down the road, so that is not an option. My options are 1. Gastric Bypass 2. Lapband 3. Work Out/Eat right. I have done #3 unsuccessfully, however, I feel almost a sense of renewed wanting to try it again just because I have gotten so freaked out over the past day about having GB surgery. I wish this decision was easier and I could just be brave and move forward. I know deep down I need this tool to live a happy and healthy life. Even if I do lose the excess weight through diet and exercise, I don't think I can keep it off. The temptation of food is too great and my appetite is too much that I will most likely regain it slowly over time, and it will be a neverending struggle. I am just super scared of dying all of a sudden, whereas just two days ago I was all gung ho and ready to go. Is this normal to be this back and forth? I wish I just knew what would happen, what my life would be like, what complications I would have, if any. Maybe I should visit a psychic...hmm.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Graduation Gown Issue Finally Resolved..and Other Ramblings!
So I FINALLY got the graduation gown issue all sorted out...got one of the extended sizes, and it's HUGE! I can never win! I am glad its like that and not tight however I wasn't expecting such a drastic difference. I am debating if I want to get it taken in a little bit or just leave it. I also got my honor cords in the mail so I have the whole ensemble! I am really excited to graduate but can't believe how fast this semester flew by, and am a little sad for school to be over. I am so excited to start my new life with the WLS and dog, and I know that can't happen until I graduate, but at the same time I think I will miss the routine of going to classes, the professors, and the camaraderie shared amongst my fellow students. Not to mention the fun random, late night adventures that go along with being a college student.
Sadly I know many of the friendships I currently have may not last..unfortunately my school is no where near where I will be living after I graduate, and I am not sure my friends and I will keep in touch. As much as I hate to say it, I question if these friendships are ones I even want to maintain. I have a very small group of girls I hang out with on a regular basis, and a whole bunch of other girl friends who are fun to go out with and get together with from time to time, but who I am not overly close with. Their lifestyles are very different than mine, and they have very dramatic, needy personalities. Over time I have realized I am moreso a good meal, free ride when they're drunk, or person they can vent to for hours on end rather than a good friend, so I have tried to cut them out of my life. The other girls I consider myself to be relatively close with are also like this to an extent, but not as bad. I have fun with them and get along with them well, but one friend in particular likes to create drama out of nothing, which I don't like and want to stay clear of. We have a lot of fun together and she is a good person, but if I don't instantly respond to her texts/phone calls, she gets all mad at me and thinks I am ignoring her. After REPEATEDLY explaining that it's not her, it's usually because I am busy or didn't hear my text/phone, she still does it. It's very annoying. She also questions why I do so many things in my life that she's aware of, which again, I find annoying. I know I don't do it to her, so I don't know why she does it to me. It's kind of sad because at this point I feel like I only have two girl friends who I really enjoy being around and who aren't literally just work to interact with. Does this make me antisocial? I would love to find more girl friends to do fun things with and enjoy their company, but for some reason at the college level have been unable to do so. I don't like to drink or party, so I think that's probably my main issue since that is a favorite pasttime for just about everyone I know. I just hope that when I graduate I can get out and do social activities and meet new people. Any suggestions? I don't even know where to start. My parents told me to find a hobby, so maybe I will try that :) I get along so much better with guys than with girls. They act interested in my life, can hold a conversation rather than just talking AT you like so many of the girl friends I have do, are a lot more fun and less serious to be around, and aren't dramatic and gossipy. If only they liked shopping, emotional chats, and manicures, and we'd be in business.
Speaking of guys..I have such a school girl crush on this one guy I know. He's extremely nice, funny, has gorgeous baby blues, a heart-melting smile, and is overall sexyyy! We get along so well and just laugh a lot together. I could see it turning into something more if we could just hang out outside of school, but I think that at my current weight he's not interested in being any more than just my friend. I think he may be attracted to me but it's the fear of what his friends would think kind of thing stopping him from acting upon any feelings. I wish it wasn't like that, but unfortunately it is. It's just additional motivation for me to lose weight and look great.
It is super dorky but I envision me going to the alumni functions a year from now and running into people I know looking fit and healthy, and feeling so proud of myself and confident. I can't wait. I know with the WLS tool I can make it happen for myself. I also keep envisioning all the cute outfits I can wear..I know these reasons are SO vain for wanting to lose weight, but I am being honest here, so don't judge! People have always told me I am stylish and have really cute outfits, despite me having a limited selection of places I can choose clothes, and I believe them. I love fashion! I have an eye for putting together really cute combinations, know what looks good on me and what doesn't, and am willing to try new styles. I just am so limited to what I can wear that the majority of the really cute outfit combos I think look cute, wouldn't fit me at my current weight. I just can't wait to be a normal size, go into any store I want, and buy clothes because I actually like how they look, not just because they are big enough to fit me.
Speaking of clothes, I haven't bought any new ones since the summer when I decided I was going to have WLS. I know how quickly you lose weight with GB, and how frequently you need to buy new clothes, so I didn't want to spend anymore money on the sizes I am in now. I have literally THREE closets full of clothes, ranging from stuff that is way too small, to stuff that's semi too-small, to stuff that fits just right. I shouldn't even need to buy new clothes as I am losing the weight until I get to sizes below a 14. So that's good at least. I also frequently donate a ton of clothes to Goodwill multiple times a year, some of which are brand new (some with tags still on them) because they are too small. I feel like now I will be wearing out all of the clothes I have since I am not buying any new ones, so by the time I do donate them, I will have gotten my money's worth. One splurge item I really want is a Burberry jacket, which I wouldn't purchase until I stayed at a constant weight for at least 6 months (can't take any chances with that expensive of a coat lol). I figure if I start saving now, I will be good to go by the time I can wear it :) What is your favorite fashion item you have now that you couldn't have worn before you lost weight?
On that note, I have a ton of work to do this weekend, so I better be going to bed. Goodnight Blogland!
Sadly I know many of the friendships I currently have may not last..unfortunately my school is no where near where I will be living after I graduate, and I am not sure my friends and I will keep in touch. As much as I hate to say it, I question if these friendships are ones I even want to maintain. I have a very small group of girls I hang out with on a regular basis, and a whole bunch of other girl friends who are fun to go out with and get together with from time to time, but who I am not overly close with. Their lifestyles are very different than mine, and they have very dramatic, needy personalities. Over time I have realized I am moreso a good meal, free ride when they're drunk, or person they can vent to for hours on end rather than a good friend, so I have tried to cut them out of my life. The other girls I consider myself to be relatively close with are also like this to an extent, but not as bad. I have fun with them and get along with them well, but one friend in particular likes to create drama out of nothing, which I don't like and want to stay clear of. We have a lot of fun together and she is a good person, but if I don't instantly respond to her texts/phone calls, she gets all mad at me and thinks I am ignoring her. After REPEATEDLY explaining that it's not her, it's usually because I am busy or didn't hear my text/phone, she still does it. It's very annoying. She also questions why I do so many things in my life that she's aware of, which again, I find annoying. I know I don't do it to her, so I don't know why she does it to me. It's kind of sad because at this point I feel like I only have two girl friends who I really enjoy being around and who aren't literally just work to interact with. Does this make me antisocial? I would love to find more girl friends to do fun things with and enjoy their company, but for some reason at the college level have been unable to do so. I don't like to drink or party, so I think that's probably my main issue since that is a favorite pasttime for just about everyone I know. I just hope that when I graduate I can get out and do social activities and meet new people. Any suggestions? I don't even know where to start. My parents told me to find a hobby, so maybe I will try that :) I get along so much better with guys than with girls. They act interested in my life, can hold a conversation rather than just talking AT you like so many of the girl friends I have do, are a lot more fun and less serious to be around, and aren't dramatic and gossipy. If only they liked shopping, emotional chats, and manicures, and we'd be in business.
Speaking of guys..I have such a school girl crush on this one guy I know. He's extremely nice, funny, has gorgeous baby blues, a heart-melting smile, and is overall sexyyy! We get along so well and just laugh a lot together. I could see it turning into something more if we could just hang out outside of school, but I think that at my current weight he's not interested in being any more than just my friend. I think he may be attracted to me but it's the fear of what his friends would think kind of thing stopping him from acting upon any feelings. I wish it wasn't like that, but unfortunately it is. It's just additional motivation for me to lose weight and look great.
It is super dorky but I envision me going to the alumni functions a year from now and running into people I know looking fit and healthy, and feeling so proud of myself and confident. I can't wait. I know with the WLS tool I can make it happen for myself. I also keep envisioning all the cute outfits I can wear..I know these reasons are SO vain for wanting to lose weight, but I am being honest here, so don't judge! People have always told me I am stylish and have really cute outfits, despite me having a limited selection of places I can choose clothes, and I believe them. I love fashion! I have an eye for putting together really cute combinations, know what looks good on me and what doesn't, and am willing to try new styles. I just am so limited to what I can wear that the majority of the really cute outfit combos I think look cute, wouldn't fit me at my current weight. I just can't wait to be a normal size, go into any store I want, and buy clothes because I actually like how they look, not just because they are big enough to fit me.
Speaking of clothes, I haven't bought any new ones since the summer when I decided I was going to have WLS. I know how quickly you lose weight with GB, and how frequently you need to buy new clothes, so I didn't want to spend anymore money on the sizes I am in now. I have literally THREE closets full of clothes, ranging from stuff that is way too small, to stuff that's semi too-small, to stuff that fits just right. I shouldn't even need to buy new clothes as I am losing the weight until I get to sizes below a 14. So that's good at least. I also frequently donate a ton of clothes to Goodwill multiple times a year, some of which are brand new (some with tags still on them) because they are too small. I feel like now I will be wearing out all of the clothes I have since I am not buying any new ones, so by the time I do donate them, I will have gotten my money's worth. One splurge item I really want is a Burberry jacket, which I wouldn't purchase until I stayed at a constant weight for at least 6 months (can't take any chances with that expensive of a coat lol). I figure if I start saving now, I will be good to go by the time I can wear it :) What is your favorite fashion item you have now that you couldn't have worn before you lost weight?
On that note, I have a ton of work to do this weekend, so I better be going to bed. Goodnight Blogland!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Exciting News, My WLS Decison, & Other Rambles.
I'M GETTING A PUPPY!!
Yay, that's right, my very own puppy! I am BEYOND excited, in fact it's all I think about nonstop! I have had a dog my whole life except for the year or so breaks in between when my childhood dog and my most recent dog died, so I have been missing one ever since. I am a huge animal lover and dogs are just the best. I am planning on getting the puppy from a litter in TX ready to go around April/May,and am reserving one this week because you have to reserve them so far in advance. I was really set on wanting a baby girl, but after I thought about it I don't really care because I am sure I will be happy with either sex. I have always heard boy doggies are a little more affectionate than girls, any experiences with that? I am planning on having my surgery around March so getting the puppy a month or two after will be a great way to keep me active and get exercise with a little buddy. I can't wait. I feel like the life I have always envisioned for myself is going to start in the Spring and I am so beyond excited!
So you may be wondering what kind of puppy I am getting?! Well to keep things in suspense I will let you guess by giving you 3 clues. 1. It's a rare breed 2. It's usually all white 3. It doesn't shed....GOOD LUCK :)
On another note, I get the bad blogger award. I have so many things to blog about but just haven't felt like writing lately..idk why. I also have pretty much made up my mind on what type of WLS I want to have and as of right now I am choosing...dun dun dun...gastric bypass! I spent a lot of time researching and coming to this decision, but I think it will be right for me. I want to meet with my surgeon one more time to go over more questions I have before I make my final decision, but I think this is the direction I am headed. I think both Lap-Band & GB are excellent tools to aid in WL, so I hope I am making the right decision. Neither surgery is perfect, and there are complications and issues I worry about from both, but I think GB may be more for me.
Another side note..WAYY back in October I went to a new GP to have her begin recording my weight, goals, diet, etc. for the 6-month supervised diet requirement. Again I don't know if I will need this, but I figured since I am waiting because of my insurance (another story about that coming up!) I might as well do everything possible to ensure they don't deny me. So anyways, this GP was super nice but her "assistant" was a complete DB! She wasn't even a real nurse, or even a CNA, just some type of medical assistant and she looked younger than me! I mean I know everyone's gotta start somewhere, but this girl was just not cut out for the medical field. She first misprounounced my name so badly I waited an extra 15 minutes because she had called a completely different person's name (or so I thought..it was actually just my name butchered) and no one bothered to come out and ask if I was the person they were looking for until I inquired about it. Then she didn't even bother apologizing, and she just had a snippy, snooty attitude. She took my vitals and kept saying GOOD, GOOD, in this annoying tone. She then went over what kind of medications I am on. I am only on a birth control, and I told her that. She reads off Valium, some other random drug, and some antibiotic. And she's like so you're not on these? I say for the second time, no only birth control. She repeats the same 3 drugs and goes are you sure you're not on these? For the third time I say no, ONLY birth control. She then goes okay I am going to delete them from your record then and I just want your permission to do that..I am like that's fine since I am not on them. She starts deleting them and then goes, Oh no wonder, I seem to have the wrong record. So here she is deleting some poor person's perscriptions and then acting like I am the idiot and don't know what medications I am on! After that I had no respect for her and just thought she was a joke..she asks me what I am in for and I tell her and usually the nurse will ask follow-up questions or act semi-interested, and it's like I was speeaking a foreign language to this girl. She was a real winner!
Then I met my GP who was super nice and friendly, and we dicussed the hair loss I have been having (super gross..) and she said it wasn't anything to be concerned about because it's probably stress-related..my thick hair is THINNING, and I am getting sparse spots on the sides when I pull my hair into a ponytail. IDK what it's from but it seems like I am losing way too much hair for it to just be stress-related. We then talked about me going off birth control for the surgery. One of my concerns was 1. Blood clots during surgery from being on birth control 2. Super irregular periods from being on birth control since I was 14 and then suddenly going off of it, and 3. What would happen if I went off of it right before surgery. I thought you had to wean yourself off of it, but she said I could go off at anytime (I have been off for a month now and get regular periods but much more cramping, a little acne, and am terribly emotional so I think I am going back on it ASAP! After experimenting and taking the GP's advice, I am just going to go off of it a month before surgery.) The final thing we talked about was the surgery (I told her I was planning on GB) and then her reccommendations for diet, exercise, etc. She then said she'd count this visit as my first one for my 6 months, yay! so I am going back Nov 18 for my two-month check.
Speaking of that diet and exercise..I SUCK at it. I haven't excercised in a month and have been noticing I get winded going up stairs and my knees really have been hurting and leg muscles too. I have been logging my food and trying to eat a bit healthier, but I am still so starvin' marvin that I really haven't made much progress, and still eat ALOT (not neccessarily bad foods, just a lot of good.) I also am still snacking a lot, and with Halloween, I went a little crazy eating candy. I keep telling myself after graduation I will have the time and energy to get on track, so even if I am messing up now it's not the end of the world. I know this is a bad attitude to have, but it's what I got right now. No one said this was gonna be an overnight change ;) I do need to try though and I realize that, because I am only hurting myself. I haven't weighed myself but I know I gained at least 20 lbs since my lowest of 232, because my dress pants/tops are very tight. I am in an 18/20 in pants and a 2x in tops.
And the final thing I can think of for this post is my good insurance news. About a year ago I started going to the chiropractor for migraines/neck pain/lower back pain. I believe part of it is from being overweight, however the majority of it I believe is due to the fact I spend so much time sitting in a hunched position at the computer, or studying. The migraines started around my sophomore year of college, so I think they are related to schoolwork. The frequency of my migraines and the neck pain also get worse the longer I sit at my computer or sit studying without taking breaks. I also carry a lot of stress in my neck/shoulders, so that probably contributes to the pain as well. Point is, this pain is fixable with chiropractic care, and is not the result of an injury or accident. At the time I started going I was on my parent's health insurance plan, since I can be on it until I am 27. Our deductible was ridiculously high ($12,000) because my Dad has his own business so in order to keep the monthly premium down, he chose to have a higher deductible. My chiropractor visits weren't covered by insurance, and we would have had to pay for them out-of-pocket anyways because the costs of them wouldn't have exceeded the yearly deductible limit. Despite me explaining this, my chiropractor made the mistake of submitting a claim to the insurance company, thinking they were doing me a favor. Unfortunately it did more harm than good. My parent's insurance wanted to increase the ENTIRE family's monthly premium by 50%, because of the fact that I went to the chiropractor. My dad and I were shocked that this could even be allowable and legal. It's true that they can basically do whatever they want and that the healthcare system in the U.S. is BROKEN. My Dad felt that this was ridiculous because they weren't even paying for the chiropractor anyway, so he looked into different insurance options for all of us. He found a new plan with the same company that had a lower deductible, lower monthly premium, and because of the new healthcare laws included a provision that stated annual physicals/mammograms/whatever and associated labwork would be covered. He applied for that for our entire family, however they denied me coverage because I was considered high risk for neck/back issues. My parents ended up going on a plan together with a $6,000 deductible, and I had to get a different plan. I applied to a another company, was denied, and then my Dad learned about a company that insures "high-risk indivudals" who were denied coverage from other insurance companies. These individuals include those such as cancer survivors and other people with serious, debilitating diseases and conditions. I applied there and was accepted, and have been on that insurance for about 6 months. But how messed up is that? All because I went to the chiropractor, what I consider a homeopathic treatment, I am now in the same insurance category as someone who has had cancer. It's just crazy! But as I always believe, everything is fate, and that's where the good news in this rant/ramble comes in. My deductible on this plan is only $6,000, so much lower than it would have been had I stayed on my parent's first plan. Additionally, we found this clause in the contract that states if I am over 18, I am considered a household, and if I make under a certain amount of income (which I do because I am a student) I qualify for a discounted premium and am applicable to apply for a lower deductible. To make a long story short I did this, so starting January 1, my deductible is....$1,500!!!!!! AMAZING!! That means for my surgery out of pocket all I will have to pay is $1,500, instead of $6,000! That's like nothing in the grand scheme of things. Granted the monthly premium is a bit higher, but at the end of the year I can switch back to a higher deductible with a lower monthly premium if I so choose. I am just so happy that everything worked out like this...from having to postpone my surgery to after January 1, to now having it being a blessing in disguise!
Yay, that's right, my very own puppy! I am BEYOND excited, in fact it's all I think about nonstop! I have had a dog my whole life except for the year or so breaks in between when my childhood dog and my most recent dog died, so I have been missing one ever since. I am a huge animal lover and dogs are just the best. I am planning on getting the puppy from a litter in TX ready to go around April/May,and am reserving one this week because you have to reserve them so far in advance. I was really set on wanting a baby girl, but after I thought about it I don't really care because I am sure I will be happy with either sex. I have always heard boy doggies are a little more affectionate than girls, any experiences with that? I am planning on having my surgery around March so getting the puppy a month or two after will be a great way to keep me active and get exercise with a little buddy. I can't wait. I feel like the life I have always envisioned for myself is going to start in the Spring and I am so beyond excited!
So you may be wondering what kind of puppy I am getting?! Well to keep things in suspense I will let you guess by giving you 3 clues. 1. It's a rare breed 2. It's usually all white 3. It doesn't shed....GOOD LUCK :)
On another note, I get the bad blogger award. I have so many things to blog about but just haven't felt like writing lately..idk why. I also have pretty much made up my mind on what type of WLS I want to have and as of right now I am choosing...dun dun dun...gastric bypass! I spent a lot of time researching and coming to this decision, but I think it will be right for me. I want to meet with my surgeon one more time to go over more questions I have before I make my final decision, but I think this is the direction I am headed. I think both Lap-Band & GB are excellent tools to aid in WL, so I hope I am making the right decision. Neither surgery is perfect, and there are complications and issues I worry about from both, but I think GB may be more for me.
Another side note..WAYY back in October I went to a new GP to have her begin recording my weight, goals, diet, etc. for the 6-month supervised diet requirement. Again I don't know if I will need this, but I figured since I am waiting because of my insurance (another story about that coming up!) I might as well do everything possible to ensure they don't deny me. So anyways, this GP was super nice but her "assistant" was a complete DB! She wasn't even a real nurse, or even a CNA, just some type of medical assistant and she looked younger than me! I mean I know everyone's gotta start somewhere, but this girl was just not cut out for the medical field. She first misprounounced my name so badly I waited an extra 15 minutes because she had called a completely different person's name (or so I thought..it was actually just my name butchered) and no one bothered to come out and ask if I was the person they were looking for until I inquired about it. Then she didn't even bother apologizing, and she just had a snippy, snooty attitude. She took my vitals and kept saying GOOD, GOOD, in this annoying tone. She then went over what kind of medications I am on. I am only on a birth control, and I told her that. She reads off Valium, some other random drug, and some antibiotic. And she's like so you're not on these? I say for the second time, no only birth control. She repeats the same 3 drugs and goes are you sure you're not on these? For the third time I say no, ONLY birth control. She then goes okay I am going to delete them from your record then and I just want your permission to do that..I am like that's fine since I am not on them. She starts deleting them and then goes, Oh no wonder, I seem to have the wrong record. So here she is deleting some poor person's perscriptions and then acting like I am the idiot and don't know what medications I am on! After that I had no respect for her and just thought she was a joke..she asks me what I am in for and I tell her and usually the nurse will ask follow-up questions or act semi-interested, and it's like I was speeaking a foreign language to this girl. She was a real winner!
Then I met my GP who was super nice and friendly, and we dicussed the hair loss I have been having (super gross..) and she said it wasn't anything to be concerned about because it's probably stress-related..my thick hair is THINNING, and I am getting sparse spots on the sides when I pull my hair into a ponytail. IDK what it's from but it seems like I am losing way too much hair for it to just be stress-related. We then talked about me going off birth control for the surgery. One of my concerns was 1. Blood clots during surgery from being on birth control 2. Super irregular periods from being on birth control since I was 14 and then suddenly going off of it, and 3. What would happen if I went off of it right before surgery. I thought you had to wean yourself off of it, but she said I could go off at anytime (I have been off for a month now and get regular periods but much more cramping, a little acne, and am terribly emotional so I think I am going back on it ASAP! After experimenting and taking the GP's advice, I am just going to go off of it a month before surgery.) The final thing we talked about was the surgery (I told her I was planning on GB) and then her reccommendations for diet, exercise, etc. She then said she'd count this visit as my first one for my 6 months, yay! so I am going back Nov 18 for my two-month check.
Speaking of that diet and exercise..I SUCK at it. I haven't excercised in a month and have been noticing I get winded going up stairs and my knees really have been hurting and leg muscles too. I have been logging my food and trying to eat a bit healthier, but I am still so starvin' marvin that I really haven't made much progress, and still eat ALOT (not neccessarily bad foods, just a lot of good.) I also am still snacking a lot, and with Halloween, I went a little crazy eating candy. I keep telling myself after graduation I will have the time and energy to get on track, so even if I am messing up now it's not the end of the world. I know this is a bad attitude to have, but it's what I got right now. No one said this was gonna be an overnight change ;) I do need to try though and I realize that, because I am only hurting myself. I haven't weighed myself but I know I gained at least 20 lbs since my lowest of 232, because my dress pants/tops are very tight. I am in an 18/20 in pants and a 2x in tops.
And the final thing I can think of for this post is my good insurance news. About a year ago I started going to the chiropractor for migraines/neck pain/lower back pain. I believe part of it is from being overweight, however the majority of it I believe is due to the fact I spend so much time sitting in a hunched position at the computer, or studying. The migraines started around my sophomore year of college, so I think they are related to schoolwork. The frequency of my migraines and the neck pain also get worse the longer I sit at my computer or sit studying without taking breaks. I also carry a lot of stress in my neck/shoulders, so that probably contributes to the pain as well. Point is, this pain is fixable with chiropractic care, and is not the result of an injury or accident. At the time I started going I was on my parent's health insurance plan, since I can be on it until I am 27. Our deductible was ridiculously high ($12,000) because my Dad has his own business so in order to keep the monthly premium down, he chose to have a higher deductible. My chiropractor visits weren't covered by insurance, and we would have had to pay for them out-of-pocket anyways because the costs of them wouldn't have exceeded the yearly deductible limit. Despite me explaining this, my chiropractor made the mistake of submitting a claim to the insurance company, thinking they were doing me a favor. Unfortunately it did more harm than good. My parent's insurance wanted to increase the ENTIRE family's monthly premium by 50%, because of the fact that I went to the chiropractor. My dad and I were shocked that this could even be allowable and legal. It's true that they can basically do whatever they want and that the healthcare system in the U.S. is BROKEN. My Dad felt that this was ridiculous because they weren't even paying for the chiropractor anyway, so he looked into different insurance options for all of us. He found a new plan with the same company that had a lower deductible, lower monthly premium, and because of the new healthcare laws included a provision that stated annual physicals/mammograms/whatever and associated labwork would be covered. He applied for that for our entire family, however they denied me coverage because I was considered high risk for neck/back issues. My parents ended up going on a plan together with a $6,000 deductible, and I had to get a different plan. I applied to a another company, was denied, and then my Dad learned about a company that insures "high-risk indivudals" who were denied coverage from other insurance companies. These individuals include those such as cancer survivors and other people with serious, debilitating diseases and conditions. I applied there and was accepted, and have been on that insurance for about 6 months. But how messed up is that? All because I went to the chiropractor, what I consider a homeopathic treatment, I am now in the same insurance category as someone who has had cancer. It's just crazy! But as I always believe, everything is fate, and that's where the good news in this rant/ramble comes in. My deductible on this plan is only $6,000, so much lower than it would have been had I stayed on my parent's first plan. Additionally, we found this clause in the contract that states if I am over 18, I am considered a household, and if I make under a certain amount of income (which I do because I am a student) I qualify for a discounted premium and am applicable to apply for a lower deductible. To make a long story short I did this, so starting January 1, my deductible is....$1,500!!!!!! AMAZING!! That means for my surgery out of pocket all I will have to pay is $1,500, instead of $6,000! That's like nothing in the grand scheme of things. Granted the monthly premium is a bit higher, but at the end of the year I can switch back to a higher deductible with a lower monthly premium if I so choose. I am just so happy that everything worked out like this...from having to postpone my surgery to after January 1, to now having it being a blessing in disguise!
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