Saturday, August 27, 2011
Stationary Bike Suggestions??
So I really want to purchase a stationary bike for working out at home. The gym is about a 25 minute drive from my house, so sometimes I find myself just not wanted to spend almost an hour driving for an hour workout, so then I don't do anything. I love biking, and feel like I would do that on a consistent basis rather than running/walking on a treadmill. So I am wondering if anyone currently has a stationary bike, or if they could recommend a brand to me, or even a place to start looking at them? I started looking at them online, and have really no clue where to begin! I know I want a comfortable seat (not one of those spinning bike-seats), a calorie counter, timer, etc. (basically all the same features a YMCA bike would have!) The price really isn't too much of a concern, as long as we aren't talking thousands of dollars, and as long as it is worth the money. I don't want such an inexpensive one that it would break down and give me problems constantly, but I don't want a super pricey one that would break the bank either :) As far as size goes, I will be putting it in a relatively spacious rec room (thanks to me FINALLY unpacking all my moving boxes haha!) so that isn't too much of a concern..I know since I moved home with my parents for the next year or so they would prefer it to be able to fold up and put away, but it doesn't absolutely have to. And if it is relatively easy to move, that would be great too! So if anyone has any suggestions, I would sooo appreciate it! Have a good weekend everyone, and if you're on the East Coast, stay safe!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Where My Bad Eating Habits Came From..
It is time for my much-dreaded (for me to write anyways) eating habits post. I find comfort in knowing what I am about to describe is probably not that unusual, but nevertheless, it still is frustrating that I eat like this! The most frustrating thing is knowing that it is wrong because it's unhealthy, but not having the willpower to change. Maybe willpower isn't the right word..the care to change? I don't know, but basically I know what I am doing is bad, but I continue to do it. There that makes more sense!
So for starters, I grew up learning these bad habits from my family, my Mom in particular. I am by no means placing all of the blame on her shoulders, but if I ever have children I am going to do my absolute best to make sure they don't grow up with weird eating habits, and set a good example for them. I believe a lot of this has to do with why I have always struggled with my weight, because what I learned from little on. For as long as I can remember, my Mom has snuck and hid food, and also associated snacks/desserts with being something bad. She is a petite, 150 lb woman at the most, so there really is no reason she should have done this. Whenever she had a snack like chips or cookies, she would hide it in the dishwasher, her desk, or bedroom. And if she was eating it while I was upstairs, and I for some reason would come downstairs, she would quickly try to hide it before I saw it. The other thing she would do is never want to have snacks like cookies, chips, or desserts, or soda, in the house for me. So I grew up always craving them, and feeling deprived, because she would never buy them for me, only herself. There are obviously complex psychological issues at work here, but I am not a professional, so to tackle them would be impossible. :) As I got older and confronted her about it, she always said she cared about me and didn't want me to become unhealthy from eating junk food. This may be a valid point, but I think it was more so for her benefit than for mine...what she really meant is she didn't want to have a fat daughter.
So the other part of her weird behavior, is associating snacks/desserts with being something bad. On the few occasions we would have ice cream, chips, soda, cookies etc. in the house, and I would eat them at the kitchen table in front of her, she would always give me "that look" or make a comment of how I shouldn't be eating that, or that's bad for me, or why do I need that? This I believe is what 100% led me to start sneaking food around when I was in middle school, up until now. To always have someone questioning why you are eating something, and then make you feel guilty for that, is just a bad feeling. So it's better to just eat in private and secrecy, where it's just you and the food, so you don't have to feel bad about it. To this day, I still can't just enjoy a snack or a dessert without having guilty feelings associated with it. I HATE THIS!! THIS ISN'T NORMAL! IT ISN'T FAIR!! It makes me so mad! It isn't fair that something so good was ruined for me! I would love to just buy myself a cupcake, bring it home, and eat it right in front of her with a big glass of milk and not feel bad about it, but I know that the minute she saw it, I would get that lecture and bad feeling associated with it. I wonder if when I lose weight and enjoy a dessert, if this will change?
The other thing that bothers me even more related to this, is when we will be at a family dinner. My family is from Germany, so my Aunt & Grandma are excellent cooks, and always make amazing desserts. My Mom will always serve herself 2-3 different slices of cake or whatever she wants, and eat till her heart's content. She doesn't cut the slices super small for herself, but when it's time for me to get dessert she will tell my Aunt, "Only cut her a tiny, tiny bit." That pisses me off soooo much. #1. I am 23, I can make the decision for myself. #2. HELLO, ITS EMBARASSING! And worst of all, when you privately try talking to her about this afterwards, she just laughs, says I am being too dramatic/sensitive, and I should just get over it. This is what I am talking about when I say I have a very strained relationship with her!
As far as my entire family's relationship with food, I am sure my Mom learned her eating habits from my Grandma, because everyone on my Mom's side of the family has eating issues. Ironically, they are all petite, tiny little things, but nonetheless, they have issues. My Grandma will eat a lot of high-fat, high-sugar foods. My Aunt I know binge eats and sneaks food, or eats really random things..like sticks of butter...and just eats a high volume of food. And my cousin always complains how fat she is, when she weighs like 115 lbs...so I think it has just been a never ending cycle. My Mom's relationship with my cousin will need to be a different blog post, because there are just a ton of issues to address there, but I think that the reason my Mom gets so annoyed with me for being overweight has to do with the fact of how skinny my cousin is. I hate to say it but I think she wishes I would look like that, and is jealous of my Aunt for having a daughter that size, and is ashamed/embarrassed of me.
I think one of the main struggles I will face when I have lab-band is the food-centric nature of my family. Get togethers revolve around the food, and going out to dinner, so I think it will raise a lot of questions of why I am not eating like I used to. I was talking with my Dad about this last night and he said "you look them square in the eye and say you're trying to lose weight, and if they give you any crap, you tell them off!" It made me laugh ;) But he is right, sometimes my family is too nosy for their own good! They just need to mind their own business!
Well I think that's all for now...I just finished eating that pizza, and now I am stuffed...yuk! Next few blog posts will include what my bad eating habits actually are, my relationship w/ my Mom & how that impacts how I eat, and also some goals I have for when I lose weight!
So for starters, I grew up learning these bad habits from my family, my Mom in particular. I am by no means placing all of the blame on her shoulders, but if I ever have children I am going to do my absolute best to make sure they don't grow up with weird eating habits, and set a good example for them. I believe a lot of this has to do with why I have always struggled with my weight, because what I learned from little on. For as long as I can remember, my Mom has snuck and hid food, and also associated snacks/desserts with being something bad. She is a petite, 150 lb woman at the most, so there really is no reason she should have done this. Whenever she had a snack like chips or cookies, she would hide it in the dishwasher, her desk, or bedroom. And if she was eating it while I was upstairs, and I for some reason would come downstairs, she would quickly try to hide it before I saw it. The other thing she would do is never want to have snacks like cookies, chips, or desserts, or soda, in the house for me. So I grew up always craving them, and feeling deprived, because she would never buy them for me, only herself. There are obviously complex psychological issues at work here, but I am not a professional, so to tackle them would be impossible. :) As I got older and confronted her about it, she always said she cared about me and didn't want me to become unhealthy from eating junk food. This may be a valid point, but I think it was more so for her benefit than for mine...what she really meant is she didn't want to have a fat daughter.
So the other part of her weird behavior, is associating snacks/desserts with being something bad. On the few occasions we would have ice cream, chips, soda, cookies etc. in the house, and I would eat them at the kitchen table in front of her, she would always give me "that look" or make a comment of how I shouldn't be eating that, or that's bad for me, or why do I need that? This I believe is what 100% led me to start sneaking food around when I was in middle school, up until now. To always have someone questioning why you are eating something, and then make you feel guilty for that, is just a bad feeling. So it's better to just eat in private and secrecy, where it's just you and the food, so you don't have to feel bad about it. To this day, I still can't just enjoy a snack or a dessert without having guilty feelings associated with it. I HATE THIS!! THIS ISN'T NORMAL! IT ISN'T FAIR!! It makes me so mad! It isn't fair that something so good was ruined for me! I would love to just buy myself a cupcake, bring it home, and eat it right in front of her with a big glass of milk and not feel bad about it, but I know that the minute she saw it, I would get that lecture and bad feeling associated with it. I wonder if when I lose weight and enjoy a dessert, if this will change?
The other thing that bothers me even more related to this, is when we will be at a family dinner. My family is from Germany, so my Aunt & Grandma are excellent cooks, and always make amazing desserts. My Mom will always serve herself 2-3 different slices of cake or whatever she wants, and eat till her heart's content. She doesn't cut the slices super small for herself, but when it's time for me to get dessert she will tell my Aunt, "Only cut her a tiny, tiny bit." That pisses me off soooo much. #1. I am 23, I can make the decision for myself. #2. HELLO, ITS EMBARASSING! And worst of all, when you privately try talking to her about this afterwards, she just laughs, says I am being too dramatic/sensitive, and I should just get over it. This is what I am talking about when I say I have a very strained relationship with her!
As far as my entire family's relationship with food, I am sure my Mom learned her eating habits from my Grandma, because everyone on my Mom's side of the family has eating issues. Ironically, they are all petite, tiny little things, but nonetheless, they have issues. My Grandma will eat a lot of high-fat, high-sugar foods. My Aunt I know binge eats and sneaks food, or eats really random things..like sticks of butter...and just eats a high volume of food. And my cousin always complains how fat she is, when she weighs like 115 lbs...so I think it has just been a never ending cycle. My Mom's relationship with my cousin will need to be a different blog post, because there are just a ton of issues to address there, but I think that the reason my Mom gets so annoyed with me for being overweight has to do with the fact of how skinny my cousin is. I hate to say it but I think she wishes I would look like that, and is jealous of my Aunt for having a daughter that size, and is ashamed/embarrassed of me.
I think one of the main struggles I will face when I have lab-band is the food-centric nature of my family. Get togethers revolve around the food, and going out to dinner, so I think it will raise a lot of questions of why I am not eating like I used to. I was talking with my Dad about this last night and he said "you look them square in the eye and say you're trying to lose weight, and if they give you any crap, you tell them off!" It made me laugh ;) But he is right, sometimes my family is too nosy for their own good! They just need to mind their own business!
Well I think that's all for now...I just finished eating that pizza, and now I am stuffed...yuk! Next few blog posts will include what my bad eating habits actually are, my relationship w/ my Mom & how that impacts how I eat, and also some goals I have for when I lose weight!
Blown Away, Thank You!
I am absolutely blown away by the support of this online community! So many new followers, supportive comments, and blog shout outs. THANK YOU! It means so much to me, I appreciate it. I am so excited to begin this journey and already seeing so much support, you are all so nice. I think you all might cause me to come online too much just so I can read all your blogs :) lol.
So I haven't made anymore progress with the paperwork, aside from typing up a medical records release letter. I was thinking about it, and as much as I want to get started on it, I feel like it would be better to attend both seminars, pick a bariatric center, and then do it, because I don't want to be going through the whole paperwork process twice. The good news is I got myself a little better organized so when the time comes I know exactly who to call and what to ask for.
I need to start regularly weighing myself, and recording what I am eating on here, just so I have a better record..this may be better than Calorie King, because at least I am more likely to log on and do it lol. Have any of you used that program?
Tonight my family is getting our favorite pizza from a local Italian spot..mushrooms, onions, sausage, amazing crunchy crust...mmmm my mouth is watering! This will probably be the one food I miss the most when I get Lap-Band..I am like Garfield, I could eat it everyday! :) I really want to start practicing good eating habits in the event I will need to do a pre-op diet, as well as mentally prepare myself for life after the band, so as of Sept 1, I will no longer be eating the crap I have been eating for the past few months. I was doing so good about 6 months ago, had limited drinking juice (my vice is juice not soda...equally as bad though) and was only drinking water, but slowly I have crept back to buying juice a lot. I also had stopped buying big bags of chips, and had them once in a while, but lately I have been buying them more often as well. I don't want to do the all or nothing philosophy, because I know when I completely cut out certain foods, I feel deprived, but I want to make more of an effort to make good food choices, only eat when I am hungry (which I have been doing a pretty good job of), and eat out maybe once a month rather than once a week.
My next few goals for this blog are to made it more personalized and add some pictures and cute stuff, as well as some specific blog posts I have been thinking about..! This may take a little work because I am pretty new to blogging, so if anyone has any tips, please feel free to share them. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
So I haven't made anymore progress with the paperwork, aside from typing up a medical records release letter. I was thinking about it, and as much as I want to get started on it, I feel like it would be better to attend both seminars, pick a bariatric center, and then do it, because I don't want to be going through the whole paperwork process twice. The good news is I got myself a little better organized so when the time comes I know exactly who to call and what to ask for.
I need to start regularly weighing myself, and recording what I am eating on here, just so I have a better record..this may be better than Calorie King, because at least I am more likely to log on and do it lol. Have any of you used that program?
Tonight my family is getting our favorite pizza from a local Italian spot..mushrooms, onions, sausage, amazing crunchy crust...mmmm my mouth is watering! This will probably be the one food I miss the most when I get Lap-Band..I am like Garfield, I could eat it everyday! :) I really want to start practicing good eating habits in the event I will need to do a pre-op diet, as well as mentally prepare myself for life after the band, so as of Sept 1, I will no longer be eating the crap I have been eating for the past few months. I was doing so good about 6 months ago, had limited drinking juice (my vice is juice not soda...equally as bad though) and was only drinking water, but slowly I have crept back to buying juice a lot. I also had stopped buying big bags of chips, and had them once in a while, but lately I have been buying them more often as well. I don't want to do the all or nothing philosophy, because I know when I completely cut out certain foods, I feel deprived, but I want to make more of an effort to make good food choices, only eat when I am hungry (which I have been doing a pretty good job of), and eat out maybe once a month rather than once a week.
My next few goals for this blog are to made it more personalized and add some pictures and cute stuff, as well as some specific blog posts I have been thinking about..! This may take a little work because I am pretty new to blogging, so if anyone has any tips, please feel free to share them. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thanks for the support!
Thank you everyone for the encouraging comments, & all my new followers! I appreciate it :) Spread the word, the more opinions I can get, the better!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Buried in Paperwork Already!
So I just received my HUGE package of paperwork from the other bariatric center that I have the orientation and surgeon consult with, and now I am really excited but already a little overwhelmed! I have so many different places to call tomorrow to get test and lab results from, it is kind of crazy. But I am so, so ready! Already tonight I filled out the medical questions forms (aside from a few missing things I need to get tomorrow) and am working on the insurance pre-auth form, and medical records release form. The form I was given by the NP I saw today was very incomplete, and when I spoke with her she mentioned I need to list specifically, what medical records I want released, so nothing is left out. So now with the help of my Dad (did I mention how much I love him, and how amazing he is!) we are currently coming up with an extremely detailed letter to add to this form...he's sitting in his office and I am sitting with a bunch of papers spread out calling information back and forth to get this done..yay teamwork!
It feels so good to have the full support of my parents for this..I was a little afraid to tell them I wanted this done, and very surprised at how supportive they were. I kind of thought they would tell me to keep watching what I ate and exercise more, but I think they realize how negatively my weight is affecting my life and how badly I need this extra tool. I don't plan on telling anyone else about my decision, even after I have it done. Maybe that will change in time, but I feel like my other family members may be very judgmental about it, and not understand. I really don't need that in my life, I just want positive, positive, positive! I also am not sure how many of my friends will react. Many of them are overweight as well, and several have also tried to seriously lose weight, around the same time I did. We have all had similar success losing weight, but a few have gained all the weight back. I think they might view surgery as the easy way out, and not fully appreciate why I made this decision, because of their own weight struggles. I am currently not dating anyone, since I was recently engaged and we broke it off, so luckily I don't have to worry about telling a significant other...yet! This surgery is actually a great distraction from boys at the moment. I kind of feel like why date someone now when in a year or two I will be a completely changed person (physically anyways...I hope that my personality will only get happier!) How has everyone else's experience been with telling people close to them or friends? Did you do it before your surgery, wait till after, or not at all?
The only thing that makes this process a little annoying is that I haven't yet decided which bariatric center I am going to choose to have my surgery. I am going to attend both orientations, meet both teams, and then go from there. Because this second bariatric center already scheduled me for a one-on-one surgeon consult, I figured I would get started on getting all the paperwork together, but it could be for nothing if I decide not to go with them! They are a lot more "aggressive" in their approach, which I kind of like, because it is the same get-r-done attitude I have right now, but my parents are a little leery of.
So on the agenda for tomorrow is to call all the places from which I have already had bloodwork, lab tests, thyroid, and heart tests done, and get them to fax it over to the one bariatric center...and you better believe I will be calling like a crazy person checking up on it to make sure it gets done! I have been reading a few horror stories of paperwork not getting sent over in a timely manner, or it getting forgotten about, so I am hoping that won't happen to me! I also need to call the bariatric center and ask them a few questions regarding some of the papers they sent out. There was also so much literature, which I love! I have just been pouring over it, learning as much as I can. They gave me info on both the Lap-Band and the Realize Band, but I still feel Lap-Band is right for me. Any thoughts on this?
It feels so good to have the full support of my parents for this..I was a little afraid to tell them I wanted this done, and very surprised at how supportive they were. I kind of thought they would tell me to keep watching what I ate and exercise more, but I think they realize how negatively my weight is affecting my life and how badly I need this extra tool. I don't plan on telling anyone else about my decision, even after I have it done. Maybe that will change in time, but I feel like my other family members may be very judgmental about it, and not understand. I really don't need that in my life, I just want positive, positive, positive! I also am not sure how many of my friends will react. Many of them are overweight as well, and several have also tried to seriously lose weight, around the same time I did. We have all had similar success losing weight, but a few have gained all the weight back. I think they might view surgery as the easy way out, and not fully appreciate why I made this decision, because of their own weight struggles. I am currently not dating anyone, since I was recently engaged and we broke it off, so luckily I don't have to worry about telling a significant other...yet! This surgery is actually a great distraction from boys at the moment. I kind of feel like why date someone now when in a year or two I will be a completely changed person (physically anyways...I hope that my personality will only get happier!) How has everyone else's experience been with telling people close to them or friends? Did you do it before your surgery, wait till after, or not at all?
The only thing that makes this process a little annoying is that I haven't yet decided which bariatric center I am going to choose to have my surgery. I am going to attend both orientations, meet both teams, and then go from there. Because this second bariatric center already scheduled me for a one-on-one surgeon consult, I figured I would get started on getting all the paperwork together, but it could be for nothing if I decide not to go with them! They are a lot more "aggressive" in their approach, which I kind of like, because it is the same get-r-done attitude I have right now, but my parents are a little leery of.
So on the agenda for tomorrow is to call all the places from which I have already had bloodwork, lab tests, thyroid, and heart tests done, and get them to fax it over to the one bariatric center...and you better believe I will be calling like a crazy person checking up on it to make sure it gets done! I have been reading a few horror stories of paperwork not getting sent over in a timely manner, or it getting forgotten about, so I am hoping that won't happen to me! I also need to call the bariatric center and ask them a few questions regarding some of the papers they sent out. There was also so much literature, which I love! I have just been pouring over it, learning as much as I can. They gave me info on both the Lap-Band and the Realize Band, but I still feel Lap-Band is right for me. Any thoughts on this?
My Appointment Today..
So I just got back from running errands and my appointment with the behavioral counselor/psychologist from the supervised weight loss program I was in, and let's just say that went interesting...I will explain more about that in a little bit. I also was able to speak with the NP who controls all my paperwork, and figured some things out with that, so all in all it was a semi-productive meeting. I am just kind of frustrated at their attitudes toward my decision to have lap-band. I made up for it though with a trip to Panera (I am going to miss it there big-time) for a turkey sandwich and strawberry smoothie, YUM!, and a trip to Goodwill to get some new books...IDK if you all know the Goodwill secret, but they have $.89 paperbacks..like all the ones from Target that are the bestsellers are there, and many of them are brand new! I love to read so will get like 20 at a time and then donate them back when I am finished..right now I am kind of a hoarder though with all the books I have...and I am mad at myself because I had one that I wanted in my hands but set it down and then forgot to pick it up again, so left without it! But anyways, I wanted to quickly sit down and write this when I got home so I could recap the semi-upsetting encounter I had without forgetting too much...
So a little history of who the woman I met with is, and what she does..I was in a medically-supervised weight loss program for the past two years, where they had an entire team helping me...Dr., NP, exercise physiologist, nutritionist/dietician, and the psychological component, this lady. She was always very nice, and by no means am I against psychologists or what they do because I have seen a few previous to her and they have helped me, but when you think of a stereotypical psychologist, with the "How do you feel?" and other semi-odd questions, she comes to mind. So unfortunately, I kind of always took what she said with a grain of salt, and while I enjoyed talking with her (basically because I am more of a listener, so it is always nice to talk to someone who listens) I never really took what she said seriously. I mean I know I have eating issues, that is obvious to me. But those issues don't just get fixed overnight, and really talking about them doesn't help me too much. I am not sure everyone else's experience with that, but it would be interesting to hear others' experiences/opinions! Soooo anywho, the whole reason for this meeting was because she always made an effort to email me and keep in contact with me, even though I stopped going to meetings and following the program. So I had emailed her explaining I had decided to get Lap-Band, and if she knew of anyone in the program I was in who had done it, and if they had success with it. Well, the first email back she told me she did know a bunch of people (apparently they did the 6 month thing for this program and then got the surgery) and that it was extremely hard for them and a few other discouraging things. Then she emailed back and asked if I could come in to meet. Since I had to get my paperwork squared away, I agreed.
So we meet today, and she asks how I am doing and about my "big decision" and I tell her the reasons why. Now these are the reasons from the bottom of my heart, and personally, I don't see anything wrong with them. Most importantly, for my health, because while I don't have issues now, I worry what it will be like 5-10 years down the road. Secondly, my happiness, because I feel like I lack self-confidence, and want to feel comfortable in my own skin, wear cute clothes, and not feel restricted to a certain "look" because I am overweight. Thirdly, I feel my weight is holding me back from leading a completely satisfying, fulfilling life. I feel like because I am heavy I am less likely to get the job I want, have the relationships I want, and achieve other goals I have set for myself.
So after explaining all this to her she pauses and asks me some other psychology questions--Why am I heavy? What made me gain so much weight? Do I feel that now I am no longer in a relationship and about to graduate, my weight is now an issue when it wasn't before? Also, what my eating habits are like?...So we discuss all these things, and I answer her questions. Here is where the negativity begins...she first goes on to tell me how hard the Lap-Band surgery will be, and what I can expect. Also that I will need to give up eating food for joy, and eat for fuel. Also that it doesn't work for everyone, and some keep gaining weight because they don't change their habits. Okay, all valid points. But then to continue, she tells me of a woman she worked with who just had the surgery and her process with it. She said how mentally prepared this woman was and how she went into it with her eyes wide open, and did so much prep work for it. Then mentioned that based on my responses to WHY I want the surgery, and my young age, she doesn't think I have the right mindset, and my "spirituality reasons" aren't deep enough. Yup, she went there. I was very confused...I don't see how the reasons for me wanting this surgery aren't valid enough in her opinion. She kept saying I have to want to do this for ME, and ME alone. I don't know what she missed about me saying I want it for MY health, MY appearance, and MY happiness. So that was frustrating, to have such a discouraging conversation. So then she asked me how much I weighed, and I told her, and she complimented me saying that "I carry 241 lbs well, and don't look it." Well thanks I guess! Does that mean if I weigh 145 lbs ever, I will look super skinny? (Please, please, please! :) ) So then we talked some more and she gave me some things to think about. I agreed when she said I do the "all or nothing" & "black and white" thinking a lot, because I know I do that. If I can't do something to the very best of my ability, I feel like why bother even trying it, or doing it a little bit. So that is something I will need to work on. Then she mentioned that I need to learn to love and embrace exercise, and make it a part of my daily life. I know this, I really do, and I want to so badly. And I think that I need to lose some weight first before I can go to the gym everyday, because I just don't have the energy and stamina. So I told her I am going to make more of an effort to go, and try to work out more frequently (because I really am!) So she says, well you haven't done that yet, so why would you start now? WOW...negative much?! I just felt bad about myself. I know she was trying to be realistic, but that just kind of stung a little!
She then tried to get to the "root" of the problem, of why I have always been overweight, and why I have eating issues. This is because in sessions before I mentioned the extremely strained relationship my Mom & I have, as well as the weird food issues she passed onto me. I get very emotional talking about that, just because while I don't let on that it hurts, it does. I am sure both my Mom and I could stand to benefit from family counseling, and I could continue to see a psychologist or something to help me deal with my issues regarding that, but that's just a can of worms I don't feel like opening at this point in my life. So I was pretty non-disclosing with that, and tried to keep turning the issues back to me, just because I felt my voice wavering and was starting to get a little teary, and didn't feel like a cryfest today. Sooo yeah, that was basically the meeting in a nutshell. She didn't give me too much hopefulness, so I am kind of disapointed of how it went, but I know I am making the right decision for me.
So then I was able to get the authorization form to release my medical records, and talk with the NP, who gave me some good tips for the process of gathering information. I am trying to get a jumpstart on this because I know the process takes awhile, and don't want to be held up because of paperwork.
I need to do the next blog about my food issues, and why I eat, just because those are things I should be working on, so it would help to write them out. Maybe I will today, we shall see!
So a little history of who the woman I met with is, and what she does..I was in a medically-supervised weight loss program for the past two years, where they had an entire team helping me...Dr., NP, exercise physiologist, nutritionist/dietician, and the psychological component, this lady. She was always very nice, and by no means am I against psychologists or what they do because I have seen a few previous to her and they have helped me, but when you think of a stereotypical psychologist, with the "How do you feel?" and other semi-odd questions, she comes to mind. So unfortunately, I kind of always took what she said with a grain of salt, and while I enjoyed talking with her (basically because I am more of a listener, so it is always nice to talk to someone who listens) I never really took what she said seriously. I mean I know I have eating issues, that is obvious to me. But those issues don't just get fixed overnight, and really talking about them doesn't help me too much. I am not sure everyone else's experience with that, but it would be interesting to hear others' experiences/opinions! Soooo anywho, the whole reason for this meeting was because she always made an effort to email me and keep in contact with me, even though I stopped going to meetings and following the program. So I had emailed her explaining I had decided to get Lap-Band, and if she knew of anyone in the program I was in who had done it, and if they had success with it. Well, the first email back she told me she did know a bunch of people (apparently they did the 6 month thing for this program and then got the surgery) and that it was extremely hard for them and a few other discouraging things. Then she emailed back and asked if I could come in to meet. Since I had to get my paperwork squared away, I agreed.
So we meet today, and she asks how I am doing and about my "big decision" and I tell her the reasons why. Now these are the reasons from the bottom of my heart, and personally, I don't see anything wrong with them. Most importantly, for my health, because while I don't have issues now, I worry what it will be like 5-10 years down the road. Secondly, my happiness, because I feel like I lack self-confidence, and want to feel comfortable in my own skin, wear cute clothes, and not feel restricted to a certain "look" because I am overweight. Thirdly, I feel my weight is holding me back from leading a completely satisfying, fulfilling life. I feel like because I am heavy I am less likely to get the job I want, have the relationships I want, and achieve other goals I have set for myself.
So after explaining all this to her she pauses and asks me some other psychology questions--Why am I heavy? What made me gain so much weight? Do I feel that now I am no longer in a relationship and about to graduate, my weight is now an issue when it wasn't before? Also, what my eating habits are like?...So we discuss all these things, and I answer her questions. Here is where the negativity begins...she first goes on to tell me how hard the Lap-Band surgery will be, and what I can expect. Also that I will need to give up eating food for joy, and eat for fuel. Also that it doesn't work for everyone, and some keep gaining weight because they don't change their habits. Okay, all valid points. But then to continue, she tells me of a woman she worked with who just had the surgery and her process with it. She said how mentally prepared this woman was and how she went into it with her eyes wide open, and did so much prep work for it. Then mentioned that based on my responses to WHY I want the surgery, and my young age, she doesn't think I have the right mindset, and my "spirituality reasons" aren't deep enough. Yup, she went there. I was very confused...I don't see how the reasons for me wanting this surgery aren't valid enough in her opinion. She kept saying I have to want to do this for ME, and ME alone. I don't know what she missed about me saying I want it for MY health, MY appearance, and MY happiness. So that was frustrating, to have such a discouraging conversation. So then she asked me how much I weighed, and I told her, and she complimented me saying that "I carry 241 lbs well, and don't look it." Well thanks I guess! Does that mean if I weigh 145 lbs ever, I will look super skinny? (Please, please, please! :) ) So then we talked some more and she gave me some things to think about. I agreed when she said I do the "all or nothing" & "black and white" thinking a lot, because I know I do that. If I can't do something to the very best of my ability, I feel like why bother even trying it, or doing it a little bit. So that is something I will need to work on. Then she mentioned that I need to learn to love and embrace exercise, and make it a part of my daily life. I know this, I really do, and I want to so badly. And I think that I need to lose some weight first before I can go to the gym everyday, because I just don't have the energy and stamina. So I told her I am going to make more of an effort to go, and try to work out more frequently (because I really am!) So she says, well you haven't done that yet, so why would you start now? WOW...negative much?! I just felt bad about myself. I know she was trying to be realistic, but that just kind of stung a little!
She then tried to get to the "root" of the problem, of why I have always been overweight, and why I have eating issues. This is because in sessions before I mentioned the extremely strained relationship my Mom & I have, as well as the weird food issues she passed onto me. I get very emotional talking about that, just because while I don't let on that it hurts, it does. I am sure both my Mom and I could stand to benefit from family counseling, and I could continue to see a psychologist or something to help me deal with my issues regarding that, but that's just a can of worms I don't feel like opening at this point in my life. So I was pretty non-disclosing with that, and tried to keep turning the issues back to me, just because I felt my voice wavering and was starting to get a little teary, and didn't feel like a cryfest today. Sooo yeah, that was basically the meeting in a nutshell. She didn't give me too much hopefulness, so I am kind of disapointed of how it went, but I know I am making the right decision for me.
So then I was able to get the authorization form to release my medical records, and talk with the NP, who gave me some good tips for the process of gathering information. I am trying to get a jumpstart on this because I know the process takes awhile, and don't want to be held up because of paperwork.
I need to do the next blog about my food issues, and why I eat, just because those are things I should be working on, so it would help to write them out. Maybe I will today, we shall see!
WTF Body?!
So I am getting ready to go to an appointment w/ one of the ladies I have kept in contact w/ from my medically supervised weight loss program. She is the behavioral counselor, and the only one I felt like really understood my struggle with my weight. She is also the only one who made the effort to keep in contact me once I left the program...and seeing how I need that paperwork to submit to my insurance, I figured it was best to get in there and talk to everyone else at the same time to get the ball rolling on it. My fear is that paperwork, and other required appointments are going to take so long, I may not have the surgery until next year, even though the appointments to get ready for it will happen this year. Considering my insurance deductible is $6,000, I absolutely need to have the appointments and surgery itself be in the same year, or I am kind of screwed....as of right now my parents said they are going to pay my deductible (yay for being able to use the poor college student excuse a little while longer!), but I think $12,000 may be a different story...so that is one major issue I will need to talk to the surgeon about. I graduate on December 17, so ideally I would have the surgery that following Monday if possible, or at least sometime that next week, before Christmas. I know most people would probably want to get it done after the holidays, but I always gain 5-10 lbs over the holidays from eating a ton, and being sedentary. I feel like preparing for a surgery would keep me in check and I wouldn't be able to overeat, and once I have the band in it would force me to make better eating choices. So we shall see!
So for the whole reason for this post is a weird thing I have been noticing with my body. But first let me say that I finally got up the nerve to weigh myself this morning after my vacation, and the damage wasn't as bad as I thought. I was expecting 245, but the scale said 242.6, so who am I to argue! 1.6 lbs gained for a week of eating crap and not exercising, not horribly bad...but I really want to start working out, so IDK what to do! If I try I can lose weight relatively quickly, it is just a matter of keeping it off..I am afraid if I hardcore start working out I will lose weight and my BMI will drop too much. I need to calculate the lowest my weight can be and still have a "morbidly obese" BMI according to my insurance company.
OK so back to weird body issue...I have been noticing for the past month or so, my hair is falling out in GLOBS in the shower...I will rake my fingers through my hair while conditioning and handfuls will just come out, it will literally fill the hair catcher thing in the drain. Then when I get out of the shower and comb through it (with more conditioning stuff) more globs come out! What is going on ?! The only other time this has happened is when I had knee surgery, and weeks afterwards it did this, and my Dad said it was from the anesthesia and stress on my body. But right now, there should be no reason for this! I have really thick hair so I don't know if I am just shedding a lot, because so far I haven't noticed any bald spots or anything, but I am getting worried it could be a hormonal issue or something..IDK Googling hair loss results in so many possibilities. So if anyone has any sugguestions of why this might be happening please let me know..
Well off to finish getting ready for my appointment. I will have to write a post when I get back about how it went. I hope I can see the nurse I need to speak with..I tried calling her and left her a message, but she didn't call me back..annoying!
So for the whole reason for this post is a weird thing I have been noticing with my body. But first let me say that I finally got up the nerve to weigh myself this morning after my vacation, and the damage wasn't as bad as I thought. I was expecting 245, but the scale said 242.6, so who am I to argue! 1.6 lbs gained for a week of eating crap and not exercising, not horribly bad...but I really want to start working out, so IDK what to do! If I try I can lose weight relatively quickly, it is just a matter of keeping it off..I am afraid if I hardcore start working out I will lose weight and my BMI will drop too much. I need to calculate the lowest my weight can be and still have a "morbidly obese" BMI according to my insurance company.
OK so back to weird body issue...I have been noticing for the past month or so, my hair is falling out in GLOBS in the shower...I will rake my fingers through my hair while conditioning and handfuls will just come out, it will literally fill the hair catcher thing in the drain. Then when I get out of the shower and comb through it (with more conditioning stuff) more globs come out! What is going on ?! The only other time this has happened is when I had knee surgery, and weeks afterwards it did this, and my Dad said it was from the anesthesia and stress on my body. But right now, there should be no reason for this! I have really thick hair so I don't know if I am just shedding a lot, because so far I haven't noticed any bald spots or anything, but I am getting worried it could be a hormonal issue or something..IDK Googling hair loss results in so many possibilities. So if anyone has any sugguestions of why this might be happening please let me know..
Well off to finish getting ready for my appointment. I will have to write a post when I get back about how it went. I hope I can see the nurse I need to speak with..I tried calling her and left her a message, but she didn't call me back..annoying!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Registration Confirmation Letter
Just got my registration confirmation letter for one of the first seminars I have to attend to get Lap-Band! Starting to sink in that this may be happening to me...kinda crazyy!! Very excited though, and counting down the days till Sept 15!
Message to Other Fellow WLS Bloggers :)
I just want to invite anyone who may stumble upon my blog to leave me a comment or two and introduce yourself :) I would love to get to know anyone in this community, especially since I am at the very early stages of my journey I have so many questions and need all the support I can get. In return I hope I can support you in any way that I can on your own personal journey. I have been trying to follow and read as many blogs as I can, and I know I have already said this, but I am SO amazed and inspired, and hopeful! It is such a great feeling. I had been down these past few months about my weight and been pretty hard on myself, but now to know that I won't be a prisoner in my own body forever, I just feel a lot better. Seeing lives change over the course of only a year or two, is just amazing! I never thought in my life I would ever be able to wear a bikini, or a really cute designer dress, but so many blogs I have stumbled upon, women are doing just that..and they started where I am at today. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thank you!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Good News :)
Just got good news...my insurance company called me back and officially gave me the go ahead to consult with the Dr. (which I was going to do anyways!) and that Lap-Band is a covered surgery....and the 6 month waiting period deal is only if my Dr. thinks I have exhausted all other options..which he had better because I tried so damn hard and failed! Fingers crossed this all works out :)
My Weight History...Read Only if You Dare :)
I just couldn't stay away from Blogging..! I am on college summer break still for the next 2 weeks though, so I have an excuse...even though I really should be unpacking from vacation, but oh well! I just subscribed to a bunch of lovely lady bloggers, and can't wait to read about their journey with their weight and WLS at a later time. I really like that there is a community of other women going through the same feelings I am in regards to my weight and eating habits...and it makes me so hopeful and optimistic that Lap-Band could work for me, and I could look as amazing someday as they do...it really is mind-boggling the transformation..most of them don't even look like the same person. I tried explaining to my Mom how drastic the change could be and how I could actually be "skinny" and she was like I'm sure you will look great, but skinny no, I don't think that will happen..I am like Mom, come look at these women, showed her, and her mouth kind of just hung open for a minute or two and she was in disbelief. I know I am relatively young @ 23, but wish I would have decided to do this at 18, before I started college. I could have saved myself a lot of time feeling uncomfortable and bad about myself. But I suppose better late than never!
So now for a little bit about me, and my weight history.. I just turned 23, and am from Milwaukee, WI. I lived in the same area my whole life until I moved around during college. I am an only child and my parents and I are very close. I also love animals, and have several pets. I grew up in the woods, surrounded by lakes, so was constantly playing outside and being active biking, walking, and swimming when I was younger. I was always a heavier younger child (by no means obese) but when I started grade school it was clear I was much heavier than the rest of the kids in my class with the exception of a few. So from little on, I was always "the fat funny girl." Call it a defense mechanism if you will, but I learned how to joke around and just roll with the punches. I was teased very little in grade school in comparison to the horror stories I have heard from some people...just the occasional jab from a snotty girl once in awhile, or boys on the playground kind of thing. I didn't act like it got me down but I am sure it did. My weight was something that I was aware of just because I realized I was fatter than almost everyone else, but it didn't really bother me as much as it probably should have. I think when you are that young you don't really care about the health aspects of being obese, but rather if you can wear the cute clothes everyone else is wearing and fit in..that is what bothered me more than anything. One distinct memory I have of being first very embarrassed of my weight was when I was around 13 or 14. I was at a summer horse back riding camp with a few other girls in my grade. We had to get weighed in front of all the other girls (why they put kids through that kind of torture I will never know!) and I was dreading it. I think I weighed 150 or 152 and I remember how red my face got when I saw everyone looking at the number. From then on things went downhill from there..or should I say uphill, in terms of gaining weight! I think when I started high school I weighed around 180-190 lbs.
My Freshman year of high school was the worst as far as being made to feel badly about my weight. I remember being harassed by this one guy specifically. He would IM me, call me, and just say horrible, hateful things..how I was so fat I should die, etc. etc. It was pretty bad. After Freshman year though, I found my group of friends, had a semi-serious boyfriend, and things were pretty good. The summer between my Freshman and Sophomore years of high school my Dad and I got very into trail bike riding. We would go around 15 miles or so a day, almost everyday. I wanted to lose weight and he did too..that was my first attempt at getting serious about losing weight and working out. Up until that point I really hadn't dieted, or exercised regularly. It went well for awhile, but then one day we had a biking accident and he ended up breaking his leg. That stopped that exercise routine, and I am pretty sure any weight I lost I gained right back and then some. Then in 2005, I had knee surgery for knee pain I had been suffering from for years. I tore ligaments and cartilage in my knee, and had it fixed up. Being inactive for so long recovering from that I probably gained 10-15 lbs, bringing me up to around 200. This is when I started working at the YMCA with a trainer twice a week after school. That went well for awhile, but eventually fell by the wayside. So beginning of Senior year of high school I think I weighed around 210-215. Around that time I also started developing swelling in the foot/ankle that I had knee surgery in. I thought it was surgery-related that the Dr. had hit a lymph node or something (but he assured me it was weight-related..still don't know how I feel about that.) He told me I needed to lose weight. Of course, I tried working out on my own but the weight didn't come off. The swelling to this day hasn't gone away, and is extremely uncomfortable when it is hot and humid. It has also spread to the other foot/ankle as well, but is much less severe in that foot. This is another one of the main motivators for losing weight..I can't wear any cute shoes :)
So after high school, I went on to college for Nursing. I started college weighing probably around 215.. and let me tell you, I didn't just gain the Freshman 15, I gained the Freshman 20! I think I ended Freshman year of college weighing in around 235. When I returned for my Sophomore year I was very unhappy and depressed. I was unhappy with my decision to go to school 4 hours from home, my major choice, and overall appearance. About a month into the new school year, one of my friend's parents died in a tragic accident, and the VA Tech shootings occurred. Combined with the other personal issues I was dealing with, these events caused me to have frequent anxiety attacks, to the point of I could barely make it to class because I was so freaked out about something happening to my Dad, something happening on campus, or a myriad of other horrible things that ran through my mind on a daily basis. I will delve into my complex and messed up eating habits later, but I am an emotional eater. Being stressed out and panicky all the time caused me to hole up in my dorm room eating snacks, and being quite frankly, anti-social..the all-you-can-eat ice cream @ the cafeteria didn't help either. So at the end of Fall Semester, I probably put on 10 more pounds, bringing my weight to 245.
Because of all the emotional and personal issues I was having, I decided to transfer colleges to one only an hour away from home that Spring Semester. Being closer to home allowed me to go home on weekends when I needed to, and attend counseling appointments for my anxiety. During that time I had developed a weird anxiety-related chest heaving/cough thing (your body does some freaky things when under stress!)..it was protocol for my Dr. to recommend I get an EKG first in order for him to help me, so I did. They detected an abnormality so I had to get an echocardiogram, and I found out I have a bicuspid aortic valve, instead of a tricuspid aortic valve. This isn't serious or an issue now, but could be later on in life. As best I can explain it, the valves don't close properly and aortic regurgitation can happen, causing stress on my heart because blood flows out and then back in. The heart Dr. I had said I needed to lose weight to prevent further strain on my heart. I took his advice seriously and started working out, and watching what I ate, but again that fizzled out. I haven't gone back to the Dr. since that happened because they didn't really think it was a big deal, and every other time I had my heart listened to, everyone has said it sounds strong and healthy.
So anyways, back to school... that Spring, I changed my major, made all new friends, and met a new guy all within the first month of being at my new school. I felt much, much happier, and was off my anti-anxiety meds at the beginning of that summer. I also traveled abroad that summer, and that experience changed my life, and caused me to lose 5 lbs or so! The following school year, I moved into a house with a bunch of other girls. I made horrible, horrible eating decisions...all the freedom of officially living on my own caused me to balloon up to 266 lbs, my highest weight ever. I looked awful, felt awful, and was so ashamed of myself. I knew I needed to seriously take control of my life and weight before it got anymore out of control, so I enrolled myself in a medically-supervised weight loss program for that summer. I had to get all sorts of tests done in order to be in the program, and I found out I have Metabolic Syndrome, but my Cholesterol, BP, & heart rate are normal, and I thankfully don't have diabetes. Because I was living at home for the summer with my parents, everything went wonderfully. I attended meetings 3x a week, worked out nearly everyday, and ended up losing 20 lbs that summer. However, when school started up again, I had moved in with my boyfriend and the drive home 3x a week became too much, so I tried to just stick to working out and eating healthy at school. I managed to lose 10 more lbs during the course of that school year. This was a good victory for me, because had I not done anything, I probably would have gained 30-40 lbs..however, the Dr. wanted me to lose between 80-90 lbs, so that obviously didn't happen and he wasn't all that pleased. I enrolled in the program for another year over the summer, and didn't really make any progress because I wasn't going to meetings or really following the workout/diet I was supposed to. Then the next Spring, I got serious again, enrolled in a different program near my school, and lost about 7 lbs....I think my lowest was 232. I then stopped AGAIN (sensing a pattern here yet?) and went up to 245.
My most recent weight loss attempt I started this past March. Nutrisystem. Good ole' Nutrisystem. I loved it at first. I loved the food, the structure of the program, how I was feeling..but then, I got sick of all of it. Sick of not being able to eat food I thought was good, sick of the flavorless crap, sick of having to eat processed foods...it was not sustainable for me. I had ordered a bunch of food but ended up just eating what my parents cooked since I moved back home, or cooking my own meals. I actually just officially canceled my next order about 3 days ago..let me tell you, that was something! The customer service rep was a real b****! She spoke to me in a snotty, condescending tone, and asked way too many personal questions. #1..No I will not tell you my current weight. #2...If I want to cancel, I have that right, and I don't need you telling me "Well I thought you wanted to lose 70 lbs, and you only lost 10..now what are you going to do instead?" Umm...hello...none of your business! #3. Don't talk to me like I am a three-year old child..I am educated and able to make my own decisions, and I don't need someone talking to me like I am a complete idiot! Ugh! That so turned me off from that program. Because of that experience with that lady and if that is their business practice, I will NEVER order from them again!
So yeah, here I sit today at 240(1) lbs. That was probably really long to read...but it felt good to get everything out there. Also helps me to gather my thoughts for what I will tell the Dr. when I see him. I will be writing about my eating habits next..that is sure to be a fun read ;)
So now for a little bit about me, and my weight history.. I just turned 23, and am from Milwaukee, WI. I lived in the same area my whole life until I moved around during college. I am an only child and my parents and I are very close. I also love animals, and have several pets. I grew up in the woods, surrounded by lakes, so was constantly playing outside and being active biking, walking, and swimming when I was younger. I was always a heavier younger child (by no means obese) but when I started grade school it was clear I was much heavier than the rest of the kids in my class with the exception of a few. So from little on, I was always "the fat funny girl." Call it a defense mechanism if you will, but I learned how to joke around and just roll with the punches. I was teased very little in grade school in comparison to the horror stories I have heard from some people...just the occasional jab from a snotty girl once in awhile, or boys on the playground kind of thing. I didn't act like it got me down but I am sure it did. My weight was something that I was aware of just because I realized I was fatter than almost everyone else, but it didn't really bother me as much as it probably should have. I think when you are that young you don't really care about the health aspects of being obese, but rather if you can wear the cute clothes everyone else is wearing and fit in..that is what bothered me more than anything. One distinct memory I have of being first very embarrassed of my weight was when I was around 13 or 14. I was at a summer horse back riding camp with a few other girls in my grade. We had to get weighed in front of all the other girls (why they put kids through that kind of torture I will never know!) and I was dreading it. I think I weighed 150 or 152 and I remember how red my face got when I saw everyone looking at the number. From then on things went downhill from there..or should I say uphill, in terms of gaining weight! I think when I started high school I weighed around 180-190 lbs.
My Freshman year of high school was the worst as far as being made to feel badly about my weight. I remember being harassed by this one guy specifically. He would IM me, call me, and just say horrible, hateful things..how I was so fat I should die, etc. etc. It was pretty bad. After Freshman year though, I found my group of friends, had a semi-serious boyfriend, and things were pretty good. The summer between my Freshman and Sophomore years of high school my Dad and I got very into trail bike riding. We would go around 15 miles or so a day, almost everyday. I wanted to lose weight and he did too..that was my first attempt at getting serious about losing weight and working out. Up until that point I really hadn't dieted, or exercised regularly. It went well for awhile, but then one day we had a biking accident and he ended up breaking his leg. That stopped that exercise routine, and I am pretty sure any weight I lost I gained right back and then some. Then in 2005, I had knee surgery for knee pain I had been suffering from for years. I tore ligaments and cartilage in my knee, and had it fixed up. Being inactive for so long recovering from that I probably gained 10-15 lbs, bringing me up to around 200. This is when I started working at the YMCA with a trainer twice a week after school. That went well for awhile, but eventually fell by the wayside. So beginning of Senior year of high school I think I weighed around 210-215. Around that time I also started developing swelling in the foot/ankle that I had knee surgery in. I thought it was surgery-related that the Dr. had hit a lymph node or something (but he assured me it was weight-related..still don't know how I feel about that.) He told me I needed to lose weight. Of course, I tried working out on my own but the weight didn't come off. The swelling to this day hasn't gone away, and is extremely uncomfortable when it is hot and humid. It has also spread to the other foot/ankle as well, but is much less severe in that foot. This is another one of the main motivators for losing weight..I can't wear any cute shoes :)
So after high school, I went on to college for Nursing. I started college weighing probably around 215.. and let me tell you, I didn't just gain the Freshman 15, I gained the Freshman 20! I think I ended Freshman year of college weighing in around 235. When I returned for my Sophomore year I was very unhappy and depressed. I was unhappy with my decision to go to school 4 hours from home, my major choice, and overall appearance. About a month into the new school year, one of my friend's parents died in a tragic accident, and the VA Tech shootings occurred. Combined with the other personal issues I was dealing with, these events caused me to have frequent anxiety attacks, to the point of I could barely make it to class because I was so freaked out about something happening to my Dad, something happening on campus, or a myriad of other horrible things that ran through my mind on a daily basis. I will delve into my complex and messed up eating habits later, but I am an emotional eater. Being stressed out and panicky all the time caused me to hole up in my dorm room eating snacks, and being quite frankly, anti-social..the all-you-can-eat ice cream @ the cafeteria didn't help either. So at the end of Fall Semester, I probably put on 10 more pounds, bringing my weight to 245.
Because of all the emotional and personal issues I was having, I decided to transfer colleges to one only an hour away from home that Spring Semester. Being closer to home allowed me to go home on weekends when I needed to, and attend counseling appointments for my anxiety. During that time I had developed a weird anxiety-related chest heaving/cough thing (your body does some freaky things when under stress!)..it was protocol for my Dr. to recommend I get an EKG first in order for him to help me, so I did. They detected an abnormality so I had to get an echocardiogram, and I found out I have a bicuspid aortic valve, instead of a tricuspid aortic valve. This isn't serious or an issue now, but could be later on in life. As best I can explain it, the valves don't close properly and aortic regurgitation can happen, causing stress on my heart because blood flows out and then back in. The heart Dr. I had said I needed to lose weight to prevent further strain on my heart. I took his advice seriously and started working out, and watching what I ate, but again that fizzled out. I haven't gone back to the Dr. since that happened because they didn't really think it was a big deal, and every other time I had my heart listened to, everyone has said it sounds strong and healthy.
So anyways, back to school... that Spring, I changed my major, made all new friends, and met a new guy all within the first month of being at my new school. I felt much, much happier, and was off my anti-anxiety meds at the beginning of that summer. I also traveled abroad that summer, and that experience changed my life, and caused me to lose 5 lbs or so! The following school year, I moved into a house with a bunch of other girls. I made horrible, horrible eating decisions...all the freedom of officially living on my own caused me to balloon up to 266 lbs, my highest weight ever. I looked awful, felt awful, and was so ashamed of myself. I knew I needed to seriously take control of my life and weight before it got anymore out of control, so I enrolled myself in a medically-supervised weight loss program for that summer. I had to get all sorts of tests done in order to be in the program, and I found out I have Metabolic Syndrome, but my Cholesterol, BP, & heart rate are normal, and I thankfully don't have diabetes. Because I was living at home for the summer with my parents, everything went wonderfully. I attended meetings 3x a week, worked out nearly everyday, and ended up losing 20 lbs that summer. However, when school started up again, I had moved in with my boyfriend and the drive home 3x a week became too much, so I tried to just stick to working out and eating healthy at school. I managed to lose 10 more lbs during the course of that school year. This was a good victory for me, because had I not done anything, I probably would have gained 30-40 lbs..however, the Dr. wanted me to lose between 80-90 lbs, so that obviously didn't happen and he wasn't all that pleased. I enrolled in the program for another year over the summer, and didn't really make any progress because I wasn't going to meetings or really following the workout/diet I was supposed to. Then the next Spring, I got serious again, enrolled in a different program near my school, and lost about 7 lbs....I think my lowest was 232. I then stopped AGAIN (sensing a pattern here yet?) and went up to 245.
My most recent weight loss attempt I started this past March. Nutrisystem. Good ole' Nutrisystem. I loved it at first. I loved the food, the structure of the program, how I was feeling..but then, I got sick of all of it. Sick of not being able to eat food I thought was good, sick of the flavorless crap, sick of having to eat processed foods...it was not sustainable for me. I had ordered a bunch of food but ended up just eating what my parents cooked since I moved back home, or cooking my own meals. I actually just officially canceled my next order about 3 days ago..let me tell you, that was something! The customer service rep was a real b****! She spoke to me in a snotty, condescending tone, and asked way too many personal questions. #1..No I will not tell you my current weight. #2...If I want to cancel, I have that right, and I don't need you telling me "Well I thought you wanted to lose 70 lbs, and you only lost 10..now what are you going to do instead?" Umm...hello...none of your business! #3. Don't talk to me like I am a three-year old child..I am educated and able to make my own decisions, and I don't need someone talking to me like I am a complete idiot! Ugh! That so turned me off from that program. Because of that experience with that lady and if that is their business practice, I will NEVER order from them again!
So yeah, here I sit today at 240(1) lbs. That was probably really long to read...but it felt good to get everything out there. Also helps me to gather my thoughts for what I will tell the Dr. when I see him. I will be writing about my eating habits next..that is sure to be a fun read ;)
And So My Journey Begins!!
Today is Day 1..and I am already nervous, excited, etc. about the decision I have made. I have decided after a lifelong struggle with my weight, to do something permanent about it, and have the Lap-Band procedure done. Gastric-Bypass is too drastic and risky for me, and as someone who was completely against WLS initially, I just don't think it makes the most sense for me...Lap-Band seems a better fit for my lifestyle, where I am starting at weight-wise, and where I want to be in the future. I am completely inspired and moved by all the other blogs I have read, and I wanted to do the same thing to document my journey. So that's what this blog will be about! :)
So since I am pressed for time I am going to skip my weight history and about me and my life, etc. for now..I will write more on that tonight, and just go right into what has happened so far since I officially made my decision two days ago. For starters, this decision all happened very suddenly, although I had been considering WLS for months..but finally that little nagging in the back of my head turned into a full blown scream. I have always been overweight, but always thought good diet and exercise were the best way to lose weight..after trying and failing, I finally realized why not try a tool that has worked for so many. After doing a supervised WL program for 2 years and only losing about 30 pounds, I started looking into other alternatives. As I mentioned above, I won't even consider gastric bypass...that is just too scary sounding for me. Lap-Band seems like the best solution for me. After initially researching it, I still wasn't completely convinced. Over the course of a few months I would read about it, read blogs, read success stories, and try to picture what my life would be like if I got this procedure done. I still wasn't convinced....but then a week ago, I was on vacation and saw my best friend and her boyfriend who had gone from morbidly obese to in-shape weightlifter, and lost a ton of weight doing P90x, and realized I could look like that too...through Lap-Band, because unlike diet and exercise alone, this additional tool would work for me. So I got home, discussed it with my parents, and made the decision that night (Saturday).
Today being Monday, I was able to first call my insurance to find out if the procedure would be covered--thankfully it is, but it appears like everyone else, I will have to jump through many hoops. Regardless if it was covered or not, I talked it over with my family (my parents are THE ONLY people close to me I plan on telling..) and we decided that I would have the surgery no matter what, because quite frankly, I NEED it.
So anyways, for insurance to cover it, I need to be considered morbidly obese, which they define as a BMI greater than 35, and have to have 6 months of supervised weight loss. Well I was pleasantly surprised, because I was worried my BMI wouldn't be high enough since I had read it generally needs to be greater than 40 (ironic that for once in my life I was worried it would be TOO low..ha ha ha, life's cruel humor!). My weight right now is 241 (although having just gotten back from vacation, I am kind of afraid to step on the scale...I suppose I need to eventually face the music..) and I am 5'6".
I also have already done the medically supervised weight loss portion, in an attempt to lose weight on my own without surgery, because my heaviest was 266 lbs. I did that for the past two years on and off (was going to school about 2 hrs away at the time, so it made it hard to attend group meetings) and have kept the 25 lbs or so off..but it seems like no matter what I do, my weight is stuck at that 240-241 mark. So annoying! I have an issue with eating moreso than exercise..I am like ALWAYS hungry. I think about food all the time! I know I am addicted, because normal people do not think about food this often. It is so hard to me to just eat a normal portion of food and feel satisfied. That is what I hope Lap-Band will do for me..help me get that full feeling with much less food, so I am able to lose weight.
So anywho..back to what all happened today. I called my insurance, they told me that info. Then my next step was to call all 3 of the Bariatric centers in my area. The first one I called I was told they accepted my insurance (yay!) but had to attend a mandatory seminar, which isn't until mid-September (boo!) I know this is procedure, but once I get an idea in my head I want it to happen sooner rather than later, so I know I will just be counting down the days until Sept. 14! It seems so far away..I know that this isn't a quick process, but still, when you want something so badly, it sucks having to wait :) Then I called the second center, who didn't accept my insurance..which was unfortunate because I really liked the surgeon as far as what I read about him and his experience with lap-band. The third center I called also accepted my insurance (yay!) and I have a mandatory orientation session Sept 21 AND an already-scheduled consult with the surgeon Sept 26...so most likely it looks like I will be going with the third place to perform my surgery, only because the first place it seems like a more drawn-out process. And while I haven't met the surgeon yet, he is the most-experienced, and the NP I spoke with was the most informative...so those to me are all good signs.
While I know nothing is set in stone, and I keep saying "when the surgery is performed" I obviously don't know that for sure..although I don't know why it wouldn't be. I meet all the criteria, and my weight is severely impacting my happiness and overall quality of life. Thankfully, I do not have any MAJOR obesity related health concerns such as sleep apnea, diabetes, etc.., however I do suffer from the many uncomfortable side effects from being fat, such as swelling in my feet & ankles, irregular periods, migraines, PCOS (officially undiagnosed, but my OB/GYN suspects it), lower back pain, and Metabolic Syndrome. Not to mention the overall sluggish, bloated, "fat" feeling just because of my weight. Equally as bad, is the emotional aspect of being overweight..I feel bad about myself, embarrassed of how I look, unhappy, and generally that I am missing out on life. I am only 23, about to graduate from college (December!) and am otherwise successful in every other aspect of my life. I worked very hard in school, will have two degrees and various financial designations & licenses and work experience, but rather than being worried about finding a job because I am under qualified, I am worried about finding a job because I am too fat! I always think, "what company would want to hire someone who let themselves get this big"...or "is she too lazy to take care of herself.....how will that translate into the work she does for us?" I absolutely NEED Lap-Band to change my life..I can't do it on my own. I need this extra tool!
So..my plan is to get this surgery soon after graduation at the end of December/beginning of January. I figure that will A. Allow me to focus on school and my final semester B. Allow for enough time to pass for insurance approval and C. Allow me to continue to workout and lose weight on my own (AFTER my Dr. qualifies me as morbidly obese...will not be taking any chances losing weight before then!) I really wanted to lose 30-40 lbs before graduation so I don't look as fat in photos, but I don't think I can do that...not enough time. I am so tired at the end of the day from carrying all this extra weight around, it makes working out so hard. I HATE MY WEIGHT! I know people start a lot heavier than I do, but I think it is all relative....I just hope this process goes relatively quickly and smoothly and I will be on my way to a happier and healthier me!
So since I am pressed for time I am going to skip my weight history and about me and my life, etc. for now..I will write more on that tonight, and just go right into what has happened so far since I officially made my decision two days ago. For starters, this decision all happened very suddenly, although I had been considering WLS for months..but finally that little nagging in the back of my head turned into a full blown scream. I have always been overweight, but always thought good diet and exercise were the best way to lose weight..after trying and failing, I finally realized why not try a tool that has worked for so many. After doing a supervised WL program for 2 years and only losing about 30 pounds, I started looking into other alternatives. As I mentioned above, I won't even consider gastric bypass...that is just too scary sounding for me. Lap-Band seems like the best solution for me. After initially researching it, I still wasn't completely convinced. Over the course of a few months I would read about it, read blogs, read success stories, and try to picture what my life would be like if I got this procedure done. I still wasn't convinced....but then a week ago, I was on vacation and saw my best friend and her boyfriend who had gone from morbidly obese to in-shape weightlifter, and lost a ton of weight doing P90x, and realized I could look like that too...through Lap-Band, because unlike diet and exercise alone, this additional tool would work for me. So I got home, discussed it with my parents, and made the decision that night (Saturday).
Today being Monday, I was able to first call my insurance to find out if the procedure would be covered--thankfully it is, but it appears like everyone else, I will have to jump through many hoops. Regardless if it was covered or not, I talked it over with my family (my parents are THE ONLY people close to me I plan on telling..) and we decided that I would have the surgery no matter what, because quite frankly, I NEED it.
So anyways, for insurance to cover it, I need to be considered morbidly obese, which they define as a BMI greater than 35, and have to have 6 months of supervised weight loss. Well I was pleasantly surprised, because I was worried my BMI wouldn't be high enough since I had read it generally needs to be greater than 40 (ironic that for once in my life I was worried it would be TOO low..ha ha ha, life's cruel humor!). My weight right now is 241 (although having just gotten back from vacation, I am kind of afraid to step on the scale...I suppose I need to eventually face the music..) and I am 5'6".
I also have already done the medically supervised weight loss portion, in an attempt to lose weight on my own without surgery, because my heaviest was 266 lbs. I did that for the past two years on and off (was going to school about 2 hrs away at the time, so it made it hard to attend group meetings) and have kept the 25 lbs or so off..but it seems like no matter what I do, my weight is stuck at that 240-241 mark. So annoying! I have an issue with eating moreso than exercise..I am like ALWAYS hungry. I think about food all the time! I know I am addicted, because normal people do not think about food this often. It is so hard to me to just eat a normal portion of food and feel satisfied. That is what I hope Lap-Band will do for me..help me get that full feeling with much less food, so I am able to lose weight.
So anywho..back to what all happened today. I called my insurance, they told me that info. Then my next step was to call all 3 of the Bariatric centers in my area. The first one I called I was told they accepted my insurance (yay!) but had to attend a mandatory seminar, which isn't until mid-September (boo!) I know this is procedure, but once I get an idea in my head I want it to happen sooner rather than later, so I know I will just be counting down the days until Sept. 14! It seems so far away..I know that this isn't a quick process, but still, when you want something so badly, it sucks having to wait :) Then I called the second center, who didn't accept my insurance..which was unfortunate because I really liked the surgeon as far as what I read about him and his experience with lap-band. The third center I called also accepted my insurance (yay!) and I have a mandatory orientation session Sept 21 AND an already-scheduled consult with the surgeon Sept 26...so most likely it looks like I will be going with the third place to perform my surgery, only because the first place it seems like a more drawn-out process. And while I haven't met the surgeon yet, he is the most-experienced, and the NP I spoke with was the most informative...so those to me are all good signs.
While I know nothing is set in stone, and I keep saying "when the surgery is performed" I obviously don't know that for sure..although I don't know why it wouldn't be. I meet all the criteria, and my weight is severely impacting my happiness and overall quality of life. Thankfully, I do not have any MAJOR obesity related health concerns such as sleep apnea, diabetes, etc.., however I do suffer from the many uncomfortable side effects from being fat, such as swelling in my feet & ankles, irregular periods, migraines, PCOS (officially undiagnosed, but my OB/GYN suspects it), lower back pain, and Metabolic Syndrome. Not to mention the overall sluggish, bloated, "fat" feeling just because of my weight. Equally as bad, is the emotional aspect of being overweight..I feel bad about myself, embarrassed of how I look, unhappy, and generally that I am missing out on life. I am only 23, about to graduate from college (December!) and am otherwise successful in every other aspect of my life. I worked very hard in school, will have two degrees and various financial designations & licenses and work experience, but rather than being worried about finding a job because I am under qualified, I am worried about finding a job because I am too fat! I always think, "what company would want to hire someone who let themselves get this big"...or "is she too lazy to take care of herself.....how will that translate into the work she does for us?" I absolutely NEED Lap-Band to change my life..I can't do it on my own. I need this extra tool!
So..my plan is to get this surgery soon after graduation at the end of December/beginning of January. I figure that will A. Allow me to focus on school and my final semester B. Allow for enough time to pass for insurance approval and C. Allow me to continue to workout and lose weight on my own (AFTER my Dr. qualifies me as morbidly obese...will not be taking any chances losing weight before then!) I really wanted to lose 30-40 lbs before graduation so I don't look as fat in photos, but I don't think I can do that...not enough time. I am so tired at the end of the day from carrying all this extra weight around, it makes working out so hard. I HATE MY WEIGHT! I know people start a lot heavier than I do, but I think it is all relative....I just hope this process goes relatively quickly and smoothly and I will be on my way to a happier and healthier me!
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