Thursday, October 27, 2011
Greek Yogurt & Other Healthy WLS Foods
So lately I have been trying to buy different foods that I expect I will be eating frequently after I have WLS to prepare my mind/body/tastebuds, and to try different brands to find out what I like and what I don't like, so when the time comes I have go-to items I can eat. I am a huge yogurt fan but have really only tried Dannon, Light n' Fit (all time fav!) and Yoplait..unfortunately while those taste good, they are relatively high in sugar and low in protein. So I have been trying different Greek yogurts from a few different brands. My first experience with Greek yogurt (I believe it was the Dannon brand but don't really remember) was not pleasant..it was gritty, too think, and tasted gross IMO. I ended up throwing it away and kicking myself for spending nearly $2 on it...then I most recently tried Chobani in the peach flavor. I am in love! 14 grams of protein, and a perfect consistency..not too thick, fruit on the bottom, overall delicious. I am going to go to buy some more flavors tomorrow to try, and also would like to try a few different brands. So that is my question to you lovely experienced ladies, what are the best brands/flavors of Greek yogurt? Also, are you able to eat yogurt at every meal with additional small amounts of food to get in your protein, or is that too filling? I figure if I ate yogurt 3x a day, that would be 42 grams of protein from that alone, which is good. My doctors have always told me I don't eat enough protein because I don't eat much meat/dairy, so I am afraid that might be a struggle for me after WLS. What other foods do you turn to that you can handle with the band/gastric bypass that are a good protein source? My other question is about fruit--any fruits that give you trouble? Hope you're all having a great week!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Graduation Gown Update..
So I returned my smaller graduation gown for one from 5'11"-6'1" and it STILL doesn't fit properly! It didn't get any wider, only longer. And the guy who returned it to me gave me such a hard time asking me if that's for sure what I wanted because it would be too long..he said it like 3 times before I got snooty and was like just give me it I know what I want..it was ridiculous. But yeah I am so bummed and now don't know what to do...the material is like not stretchy or flowy at all, so I really don't know why they make them like that. I also know there are many people in my graduating class who are just as large or larger than me, so I wonder what they are going to wear if I am having an issue with the gown. I am going to take it to a tailor and see what they can do for me before I completely decide to skip the ceremony. I know absolutely nothing about sewing, but I was thinking perhaps since it's about 6 inches too long and the sleeves are too long, they can somehow take that fabric and add some more inches width wise. Is that even possible??
Almost 30 Followers..thank you!
I have almost reached 30 followers, which is so amazing! I am so happy to be able to share my life with you all and receive helpful comments, feedback, advice, and words of wisdom. What a wonderful blogging community. I appreciate it so much, thank you everyone! A reallllly long catch up blog is in the works, just have felt so sleepy lately and not really in the blogging mood!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Sad, Angry, Frustrated...
So I had a very embarassing, low moment today. I am graduating college in December and got my graduation outfit this past week. I tried the gown on today at home (size 5-4"-5'6"), and it zipped up but was way, way, too tight. The shoulders and bust was good, but then it got to my stomach area and just clung everywhere and you could see my stomach through it, and it just looked awful. I cried. I am so ashamed and upset that I let myself get to this point and now know more than ever how badly I need WLS surgery. Those things are supposed to be flowy and loose...I feel so bad about myself that I can't even fit into a graduation gown that is supposed to be made for everyone. Graduation is supposed to be one of those monumental life events that you remember forever, and once again my weight seems to be ruining it for me, and my main concern. It just sucks and it's not fair. I told my parents while sobbing and having a mental breakdown that I would just graduate and not participate in the ceremony, and my Dad got very angry at me and told me to order the tallest size they have (which I found out is 6'9", so that won't be happening) and then we'd get it hemmed to be an appropriate length. Then I cried and said that I am too embarassed to exchange it for a bigger size because I will have to do it in front of the guy that works there, and that just is embarassing to explain to him that I need a tall size since I am too fat to fit into a normal size, because I know he is going to wonder what 5'5" tall me is doing asking for a 5'10"-6'0" gown. I HATE BEING FAT!!
Then to add to my sob story of a day, I just finished watching DVRed episodes of MTV's "I Used to Be Fat" & "Chelsea Settles" (about a 325 lb 23 year old trying to make it in the fashion industry.) I cried when they cried because I knew exactly how they felt and what they were going through. The guilt after eating fast food, the fact that you feel judged by everyone, having to get to class early to find a desk that fits, purposely outcasting yourself so you don't have to hear people's nasty comments, and that fear of rejection. It all sucks.
It then dawned on me how hard it is to be fat and how much harder it makes your life. I mean I always knew it was a struggle just carrying the extra weight while trying to work out, do daily activities, and just function normally, but emotionally I have never felt the effects of it as much as I have this past year. Maybe because it's that transition between college and the work world where I feel like people may judge me more based on my appearance than how they think I am able to do a job, but emotionally I just don't feel good about myself, because of my weight. I want to feel beautiful and confident so badly, but everyday it just gets harder and harder to feel that way. Then days like today where something so normal for everyone else becomes a huge emotional ordeal for me, just makes me sad, angry, and frustrated. I am not even sure people who aren't very overweight and who never have been can even begin to understand how hard it is. Things like eating in public, going on amusement park rides, buying junk food, sitting in desk chairs, fitting into graduation gowns..they don't even give them a second thought. But for me it's like I feel like I always have to plan in advance, and be one step ahead of the game, and quite frankly it's exhausting and I am so, so tired of it. It's just so much more work, time, and effort. And then you have the added bonus of those wonderful people in the world who like to go out of their way to make you feel like less of a person just because you are overweight..the ones who won't even give you the time of day, or just give you that look like they despise you...or who vocalize what a terrible person you are because you're fat, or that you're lazy, and they're better than you because they're not. They suck.
And that's the end of this blogpost. I am separating the rest of what I have to say because I don't want it to be tainted by my negativity.
Then to add to my sob story of a day, I just finished watching DVRed episodes of MTV's "I Used to Be Fat" & "Chelsea Settles" (about a 325 lb 23 year old trying to make it in the fashion industry.) I cried when they cried because I knew exactly how they felt and what they were going through. The guilt after eating fast food, the fact that you feel judged by everyone, having to get to class early to find a desk that fits, purposely outcasting yourself so you don't have to hear people's nasty comments, and that fear of rejection. It all sucks.
It then dawned on me how hard it is to be fat and how much harder it makes your life. I mean I always knew it was a struggle just carrying the extra weight while trying to work out, do daily activities, and just function normally, but emotionally I have never felt the effects of it as much as I have this past year. Maybe because it's that transition between college and the work world where I feel like people may judge me more based on my appearance than how they think I am able to do a job, but emotionally I just don't feel good about myself, because of my weight. I want to feel beautiful and confident so badly, but everyday it just gets harder and harder to feel that way. Then days like today where something so normal for everyone else becomes a huge emotional ordeal for me, just makes me sad, angry, and frustrated. I am not even sure people who aren't very overweight and who never have been can even begin to understand how hard it is. Things like eating in public, going on amusement park rides, buying junk food, sitting in desk chairs, fitting into graduation gowns..they don't even give them a second thought. But for me it's like I feel like I always have to plan in advance, and be one step ahead of the game, and quite frankly it's exhausting and I am so, so tired of it. It's just so much more work, time, and effort. And then you have the added bonus of those wonderful people in the world who like to go out of their way to make you feel like less of a person just because you are overweight..the ones who won't even give you the time of day, or just give you that look like they despise you...or who vocalize what a terrible person you are because you're fat, or that you're lazy, and they're better than you because they're not. They suck.
And that's the end of this blogpost. I am separating the rest of what I have to say because I don't want it to be tainted by my negativity.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Unsupportive Mom..
First of all, thank you to everyone for the supportive comments about my lack of sleep and making a WLS decision! I feel so happy and thankful to have the support of you all even BEFORE I have surgery! Since my parents are currently the only people in real life who know what's going on, it is nice knowing that there are others I can talk to about it, who are #1. Informed on the matter and KNOW what they are talking about and #2. Don't judge me.
So I know I have the full support of my Dad for getting WLS, but I kind of feel that my Mom doesn't want me to have surgery. My Dad views WLS how I view it, and perhaps even better than I do. He looks at it as not only a tool to aid in weight loss, but also as a treatment for the medical problem of obesity. I don't think he considers this to be any different than a knee surgery, stomach surgery, heart surgery, etc. He looks at it from the standpoint of this is a medical problem I have, there is a surgery out there to help fix it, so why not do it. I think my Mom may view it as the easy way out, or too drastic for someone my age. I also get mixed messages from her..in one breath she gets on me about eating junk food because she wants me to be happy and healthy, but then I mention this surgery and its almost like she doesn't want me to be slimmer...I will excitedly say I can be skinny someday with this (130-150 lbs in my option IS skinny!) and she will say like no you won't ever be skinny. I remember how excited I was after coming home from the initial consultation and trying to talk to her about it, and as I am recounting it, she literally walks away mid-conversation and goes outside. Then 2 minutes later she comes back in with something she had left out there, and I continue to tell her about it and I can tell she is only half-listening and get the feeling like she doesn't really care. So then I just said, "Ok I can see you don't care, so never mind," and she didn't argue or ask me to continue.
Further evidence of this is that she never wants to stay and listen to me discussing my options with my Dad, or be a part of the decision-making process. She always gets up and leaves the room. She also never asks any questions about how things are going, what the process is going like, etc...she just seems completely disinterested and unsupportive. It sucks and is frustrating. I try to talk to her one-on-one and just gauge her viewpoint but she will just like cut me off and say she doesn't have time or tells me to hurry up, and I don't need that, so why bother.
Unsurprisingly, she exhibited similar behavior when I had made the decision I needed to see a psychiatrist for the anxiety/mild depression I was having about 4 years ago. I was extremely unhappy and was having panic attacks nearly everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, and was just mentally in a bad place. I remember coming home from college one weekend and just laying in bed crying and crying and my Mom came in and told me to grow up and get over it...this caused a huge rift between my parents because my Dad knew what I was going through since around the same age he had suffered from anxiety and sought help, and again at that time supported my decision. He even tried to explain to her why going to see a psychiatrist for mental help was no different than seeing a general physician for internal help, but she made no effort to understand or support me. Then when I was put on anti-anxiety medication, the shit really hit the fan so-to-speak. She was completely against that and actually was angry at me about it. I felt like she thought I could control how I was feeling and I should just snap out of it..which if anyone has been through that, you know that it is impossible. My Dad and I tried explaining to her that it was like an illness, and that the chemical imbalance was no different than getting a sinus infection or whatever you would take other medication for to treat..but there is something in her that is so against it, I have no clue what or why.
I think it may be how she was raised, since her entire family is the suffer-in-silence type. They always want to portray that everything is peachy fucking keen even though it isn't. Her sister and sister's daughter (my mom's niece, my cousin) never say anything bad about what's going on in their lives, and always want everything to seem just perfect..idk if its to make themselves feel better or to make my mom feel bad or what, but its weird..everyone has problems, and we clearly see theirs, so why not just admit them? They also try to just impress other people by spending beyond their means for nice cars, vacations, etc. but then will in the next breath complain how they have no money for XYZ, and that's why they can't do XYZ with my family. Then rather than my Mom doing the same thing making myself or my Dad seem "better than we are," she instead cuts us down and tells them all of our problems or negatives, or complains to them about something we did. She will also then stick up for her sister (which is somewhat understandable, however I believe she should be siding with Me & My Dad first) and when my Dad and I will point out the truth, she gets pissed at us and tells us we are being too critical and we shouldn't judge and blah blah blah. She also places her sister and niece (and niece's husband and two daughters) on this SUPER high pedestal, and thinks they are like the greatest thing since sliced bread. They basically can do no wrong, and she goes to them for advice and tries to emulate what they do in her own life. She even has a picture of my cousin's two daughters in her wallet, when there is NONE of me to be found. It is in my opinion completely weird and irrational, and yes I am bitter about it. The reality of the situation is my cousin's husband has no personality and is an alcoholic who passes out at family functions and is completely disrespectful to my Dad and the rest of the family, my cousin is extremely materialistic, lazy (she is completely capable of having a job, just simply thinks she is above work), and her children are anti-social spoiled brats who have my Aunt cater to them on their every whim. Okay..that came off as very harsh, but it is just frustrating to see my Mom treat those people who clearly have their own issues so much better than her own immediate family.
That was a HUGE sidetrack to the second main reason for this post, is that I have a strong suspicion that despite me telling my Mom NOT to tell them that I want to have WLS, she ignored me and did it anyways. The reason I think this is because I was talking to my Dad still contemplating if I should have the band or gastric bypass, and she came in and was like well we have to tell your Grandma and Aunt..and I was like umm no we don't, why do we have to? And she said something to the effect of if I was going to be in the hospital they had to know. I was like, no they really don't. Its my personal business and they don't have to know shit unless I want them to! I told her to make something up like I was visiting a friend or something, but I do not want to tell them. Then my Dad asked her if she had already told them and was now trying to make herself feel better but she didn't answer..Ughh sooo rude! But then I was thinking about it and maybe I could say I am having surgery but for something completely unrelated that would still justify my stomach being sore and me having to watch what I am eating..so idk. What did you all do when you felt obligated to tell someone you had WLS but really didn't want to? I don't feel like I NEED to because its my choice, but at the same time think it might be very hard to hide a surgery from my family.
So I know I have the full support of my Dad for getting WLS, but I kind of feel that my Mom doesn't want me to have surgery. My Dad views WLS how I view it, and perhaps even better than I do. He looks at it as not only a tool to aid in weight loss, but also as a treatment for the medical problem of obesity. I don't think he considers this to be any different than a knee surgery, stomach surgery, heart surgery, etc. He looks at it from the standpoint of this is a medical problem I have, there is a surgery out there to help fix it, so why not do it. I think my Mom may view it as the easy way out, or too drastic for someone my age. I also get mixed messages from her..in one breath she gets on me about eating junk food because she wants me to be happy and healthy, but then I mention this surgery and its almost like she doesn't want me to be slimmer...I will excitedly say I can be skinny someday with this (130-150 lbs in my option IS skinny!) and she will say like no you won't ever be skinny. I remember how excited I was after coming home from the initial consultation and trying to talk to her about it, and as I am recounting it, she literally walks away mid-conversation and goes outside. Then 2 minutes later she comes back in with something she had left out there, and I continue to tell her about it and I can tell she is only half-listening and get the feeling like she doesn't really care. So then I just said, "Ok I can see you don't care, so never mind," and she didn't argue or ask me to continue.
Further evidence of this is that she never wants to stay and listen to me discussing my options with my Dad, or be a part of the decision-making process. She always gets up and leaves the room. She also never asks any questions about how things are going, what the process is going like, etc...she just seems completely disinterested and unsupportive. It sucks and is frustrating. I try to talk to her one-on-one and just gauge her viewpoint but she will just like cut me off and say she doesn't have time or tells me to hurry up, and I don't need that, so why bother.
Unsurprisingly, she exhibited similar behavior when I had made the decision I needed to see a psychiatrist for the anxiety/mild depression I was having about 4 years ago. I was extremely unhappy and was having panic attacks nearly everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, and was just mentally in a bad place. I remember coming home from college one weekend and just laying in bed crying and crying and my Mom came in and told me to grow up and get over it...this caused a huge rift between my parents because my Dad knew what I was going through since around the same age he had suffered from anxiety and sought help, and again at that time supported my decision. He even tried to explain to her why going to see a psychiatrist for mental help was no different than seeing a general physician for internal help, but she made no effort to understand or support me. Then when I was put on anti-anxiety medication, the shit really hit the fan so-to-speak. She was completely against that and actually was angry at me about it. I felt like she thought I could control how I was feeling and I should just snap out of it..which if anyone has been through that, you know that it is impossible. My Dad and I tried explaining to her that it was like an illness, and that the chemical imbalance was no different than getting a sinus infection or whatever you would take other medication for to treat..but there is something in her that is so against it, I have no clue what or why.
I think it may be how she was raised, since her entire family is the suffer-in-silence type. They always want to portray that everything is peachy fucking keen even though it isn't. Her sister and sister's daughter (my mom's niece, my cousin) never say anything bad about what's going on in their lives, and always want everything to seem just perfect..idk if its to make themselves feel better or to make my mom feel bad or what, but its weird..everyone has problems, and we clearly see theirs, so why not just admit them? They also try to just impress other people by spending beyond their means for nice cars, vacations, etc. but then will in the next breath complain how they have no money for XYZ, and that's why they can't do XYZ with my family. Then rather than my Mom doing the same thing making myself or my Dad seem "better than we are," she instead cuts us down and tells them all of our problems or negatives, or complains to them about something we did. She will also then stick up for her sister (which is somewhat understandable, however I believe she should be siding with Me & My Dad first) and when my Dad and I will point out the truth, she gets pissed at us and tells us we are being too critical and we shouldn't judge and blah blah blah. She also places her sister and niece (and niece's husband and two daughters) on this SUPER high pedestal, and thinks they are like the greatest thing since sliced bread. They basically can do no wrong, and she goes to them for advice and tries to emulate what they do in her own life. She even has a picture of my cousin's two daughters in her wallet, when there is NONE of me to be found. It is in my opinion completely weird and irrational, and yes I am bitter about it. The reality of the situation is my cousin's husband has no personality and is an alcoholic who passes out at family functions and is completely disrespectful to my Dad and the rest of the family, my cousin is extremely materialistic, lazy (she is completely capable of having a job, just simply thinks she is above work), and her children are anti-social spoiled brats who have my Aunt cater to them on their every whim. Okay..that came off as very harsh, but it is just frustrating to see my Mom treat those people who clearly have their own issues so much better than her own immediate family.
That was a HUGE sidetrack to the second main reason for this post, is that I have a strong suspicion that despite me telling my Mom NOT to tell them that I want to have WLS, she ignored me and did it anyways. The reason I think this is because I was talking to my Dad still contemplating if I should have the band or gastric bypass, and she came in and was like well we have to tell your Grandma and Aunt..and I was like umm no we don't, why do we have to? And she said something to the effect of if I was going to be in the hospital they had to know. I was like, no they really don't. Its my personal business and they don't have to know shit unless I want them to! I told her to make something up like I was visiting a friend or something, but I do not want to tell them. Then my Dad asked her if she had already told them and was now trying to make herself feel better but she didn't answer..Ughh sooo rude! But then I was thinking about it and maybe I could say I am having surgery but for something completely unrelated that would still justify my stomach being sore and me having to watch what I am eating..so idk. What did you all do when you felt obligated to tell someone you had WLS but really didn't want to? I don't feel like I NEED to because its my choice, but at the same time think it might be very hard to hide a surgery from my family.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A Rambly Grumbly Rant/Complaint.
So I have my first major exam tomorrow in a class I am doing very well in, so I am not too worried about it..but still I should not be awake at this hour! I should be sleeping soundly since I need to wake up in 6 hours.. I don't know what is wrong with me lately but I cannot seem to fall/stay asleep. It literally takes me HOURS. I will start getting ready for bed around 9:30-10:00, and lay wide awake until like 12:30-1:00 a.m. sometimes. Then by the time I fall asleep, I wake up either from a random noise, my roommate,or a car driving by, and can't fall back asleep. It sucks because then I am super tired throughout the day and feel like I can't function, so it's a neverending cycle. I mean around 7:00 today I was sooo tired, and then I got my second wind and just got ready for bed around 9:30, even though I wasn't tired then...idk. I feel like I should just stay up and get work done since I feel awake and could be productive rather than just lying in bed, because I know tomorrow I will feel so tired. And what sucks more is my exam is at the end of my school day, which is when I feel the most drained. Ugh. The other thing that is not helping (and perhaps contributing to my inability to sleep) is its hotter than hell in my room right now..80 degrees! This is sooo not right for where I live this time of year! I have a fan on me right now but its not helping, I just feel warm and uncomfortable. I sleep so much better when I am cold. And the other weird thing that happened tonight is I was literally starvin' marvin' and finally just caved and ate about 10 minutes ago...my stomach was rumbly and I was ready to eat my pillow..I did not make a wise choice..a handful of healthy pumpkin seeds (good), and 2 mini bagels with cream cheese (bad), a few grapes, and a bottle of water...I still feel hungry too! I didn't eat as much as usual today because I slept so late because of my stupid sleep schedule, and then ate a late lunch which basically served as my breakfast, lunch, dinner, and then just snacked on some odds and ends so thats probably why. I am so not helping myself out lol. Hopefully this weekend I can reset my sleep clock or something because this is getting super old! I also think a lot of it has to do with so much on my mind...a big upcoming exam in November, choosing a WLS option, schoolwork and a class that isn't going very well, impending graduation (god forbid I don't pass this one super hard class), making time for friends and extracurriculars, feeling more body-concious and food-related guilt than ever...ahhh!! My brain needs an off switch NOW!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
So Undecided!
I am so torn on what to do..I can't decide! Granted I have a few months now, but I really don't know what surgery option is right for me. I am so bad at decision making and this is a life-changing one...! Ahhhh! I guess I will just need more time to pass. I appreciate everyone's very supportive comments though :) I honestly think I need to do a pro/con sheet and compare the two as pathetic as that sounds. Or like major advantages/disadvantagse for each. Ugh. How did you ladies make the decision, ir was it no question, you just knew band was for you?
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